Photo Blog

Still Fresh as the Fallen Snow

Call it out-of-whack new Mom hormones, or the stress of moving somewhere new, or the balancing act of being at working/wannabe Stay-at-Home Mom...call it what you will, but boy, can I cry on a dime. I cry because as I lean over Kaia's grinning, giggling face while playing with her on the floor, I suddenly realize that eventually I will have to leave her on an uplanned "someday". And in that moment, that knowledge becomes unbearable and wicked and completely unjust. I snuggle her neck, hold her close to me, and continue to cry. She smiles again and wonders why my face is so wrinkled up and wet.
I cry driving home from Wal-Mart at 10pm with a trunkload of last minute (yet thoughtful) Christmas gifts, juice, and pet food. This time I cry because the song that was my anthem during pregnancy, the song I sing out loud to most every day, finds it's way into a tiny crack in my heart where pain still resides over Kaia's birth. This was the song I sang to my midwife when she asked me to ponder Kaia's impending birth, the emotions, and the possibilities. It begins "Something has changed within me, something is not the same...". I told myself I would sing this song to Jason when I went into labor. "Too late for second guessing, too late to go back to sleep, it's time I trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap...it's time I try defying gravity" (From "Wicked"). To me, I felt like labor and childbirth would be like defying gravity. Truly, it was. But tonight, this song brought back 1000 emotions at once...the excitement of labor, the wondering what she would look and feel and smell like, the last few days of aloneness as husband and wife, the smell of the room the night I gave birth, the way I had prepared my favorite sheets for the bed that Jason, I, and Kaia would cuddle in immediately following her entry into this world, the gentle way Jason supported me in the birthing tub and the loving glances we shared, and the way I knew - just KNEW - I'd be birthing Kaia in our home. "Life has a funny way, of sneakin' up on you with you think everything's OK" - Alanis Morisette. Grief also sneaks and snakes it's way through your body. I think of Kaia's birth every single time I'm in the bathtub. I sink down into the water and recall everything, things I hadn't even remembered until then. There, my tears can simply merge with the water, and in that way join part of a life-giving force of nature.
Tonight, an image came to my mind. It was of Jason and I sitting in the dark on our bed the night we brought Kaia...home. Jason had been in the living room uploading photos of our girl and I was in darkened bedroom nursing. I began to quietly sob for the first time since Kaia's birth. Tears made their way, one by one, quickly down my chest and onto Kaia. Many minutes went by and I released so many feelings about Kaia's birth in each of those tears. Some for happiness, but on this night, most were tears of anger, sadness, guilt, dissapointment. Jason joined me and tenderly sat beside me. "I'm just thinking about her birth...and..." Jason hugged me and said "I know, I know" and I felt the warmth of his tears as well. For the next few hours, we cried together and talked about our experience, all while holding a sleeping Kaia in my arms. It was truly the night in which our healing began. We felt so robbed, and at the same time, guitly for feeling that way when our precious daughter, whom we loved with an enormity unexplained, was right here. Society told us we really were not allowed to feel angry and dissapointed because our baby was "safe and healthy". We both had felt trapped in the hospital, unable to release our raw emotions, until we were back home. We had been afraid. We leaned on each other that night to finish something we had started days prior. We celebrated.
Right now, Kaia is alseep in our room with Jason. I am so blessed. A year ago today, I was only 12 weeks pregnant. I look back at photos and see a distinct glimmer in my eye. I know now that the glimmer was Kaia peeking through our world, reminding us that even through pain there is hope...that even wounds as fresh as fallen snow will someday be the badges of honor we carry with us forever...

Sit,Stay, Roll Over

December 3, 2005
Our little Kaia has mastered the "Staying" command. She is well on her way to "Sitting" up on her own and is a joy to watch as she outstretches her arms in an attempt to balance her tiny body. She can sit unsupported for bits at a time until she reaches to grab something in curiosity. By Christmas time, I have a feeling she'll be a pro. Two friday's ago (11/18/05), Jason and I were awaken as normal by our daughter at some ungodly hour in the morning. We both slowly crawled over to the foot of our bed where her crib resides and groggily bent over to pick her up and transfer her into our bed - something we've gotten ourselves into the habit of lately. Suddenly, Jason noticed Kaia was on her back and said "Honey, she rolled over! I put her to sleep on her belly!". We looked at each other, then looked at our wriggling, wimpering daughter and laughed. She sure did! As we stood over her crib, like Mary and Joseph gazing upon a baby in a manger, we were awestruck at this milestone. Yes...we had witnessed a miracle! We were immediately energized, giggled, and both reached in to pick her up and congratulate her. That morning, just to ensure I hadn't dreamed it, I rolled over to Jason and said "Remember that she rolled over last night?". He confirmed the experience and took Kaia downstairs to allow me to sleep in peace for a bit longer. Before falling back to sleep, I overheard Jason joyously telling his mom and Grandma how Kaia rolled over and before I knew it, he was laughing with joy. "Look, Look, she's gonna do it for us!". I jumped out of bed and stood looking down over the upstairs landing to see Kaia on her tummy on the living room couch. She hiked her little bum in the the air as leverage to push herself on her side. Gurgling and cooing, she then managed to swing her legs around just enough to roll herself on her back. We oohhed and ahhhed and clapped our hands in excitement. We tried to get her to do it again to take pictures, but alas, she decided she'd keep her secret to herself.
Milestones such as these serve as a bittersweet reminder of how quickly little ones grow up. Many times, I intentionally hold her too tight, nurse her too long, and kiss her too much in an effor to sieze the moment and remember her just as she is...perfect, tiny, wholly ours and so much herself.
For a few weeks, I've been hosting an internal battle about starting her on solid foods (while of course continuing to nurse). She has been watching with intent as we eat, reaching up to grab good just before it enters our mouths. She studies how we drink water and opens her mouth instintively. She is now almost 5 months old and I can tell her belly is growing! Finally, I walzed into Walgreen's and picked up some baby food - pears. That night, we sat her in her bouncy seat and strapped on a bib. And just like that, we spooned the pears in her hungry mouth. She squealed and jabbered and begged for more...she ate like a champ! While I certainly plan to continue nursing her, I feel twinges of guilt, sadness, and loss about transitioning her to solid foods. I know it sounds funny and it's one of those reactions I never imagined I"d have as a Mother. But somehow, I am dreading the day in which she will no longer "need" me for nourishment. I am saddened by the thought...and at the same time, Jason reminds me that watching her grow will be a true adventure and blessing.
Kaia is one happy little girl. She whines only when she is tired or hungry and let me tell you, both require immediate attention! At the first rub of her eyes, I've learned to put her down for a nap or crankiness will certainly ensue. Since we moved into Jason's Mom's house, she decided that she was no longer going to sleep through the night. So, we've managed to somehow make it through numerous wakings and feedings all night long...Of course, when Grandpa and Grandma Ritchie, and Grams Ritchie (my Mom) were here, she slept through the entire night for them at their hotel rooms. Sometimes in the mornings in which I work from home, Kaia awakens next to me on my pillow. She turns to look at me and we stare at each other in silence. She reaches out and touches my face, her soft hands exploring my nose and hair and mouth. We start a conversation and she laughs and smiles and talks right back. We share wisdom. We transfer love. We keep each other warm. We make pacts to always remember...how loved we are, how special our bond is...And sometimes, our lovely encounters leads up right back to peaceful sleep, together again...we share life-giving breath.

Motherly Love

How could I have ever predicted that I would fall head over heels in love with my daughter? People warned me, but I had my own ideas of what it would feel like. Pre-baby, I guess I imagined that Motherhood would exibit itself in different ways... such as thinking Kaia was adorable and irresistable and that I needed to feel responsible for her in terms of protecting her and raising her well.
I absolutely believe she is adorable and irresistable. And while I want to protect her, I never imagined that the NEED to do so was so innate, so primative and so deep. It's not what I would call a "responsibility"; rather, it's an instinct and it's impossible to quell. Suddently, walking down steps causes me to think "What if Kaia were in my arms and I tripped? How could I position myself so that she could break her landing by falling on me instead of the hard ground? Would I be able to react soon enough? If she got hurt, could I maintain my cool while I helped her?". My mind has created terrible and instant versions of situations in which Kaia could be harmed...these imagined moments stop the breath in my body and take me minutes to recover from. I think "How could I go on?" if something were to happen to her. I do not believe I am an overly protective Mother...however, I've been shocked at just how overwhelming the need to protect my child has been...whether it's comforting her when she cries, not allowing her to sit in a soiled diaper too long, or holding her tightly when I descend stairs. Alas, these past 15 weeks have proven to be ones in which Kaia has been thankfully safe and sound.
So, I never thought that loving my daughter would feel this way either. I mean, it's LOVE. Serious love. Like, "who cares if I'm entirely exausted and have spit up and poop stains on my clothes and have awakened 10 times in an hour to put your binky back in and can't seem to finish one task without tending to you and have listened to you wail at unnerving decibals for an unnerving 45 minutes on our drive across down and at the end of the day still am reduced to happy giddy bliss by your mere smile or the smell of your hair or the smoothness of your skin or the warmth and security of your snoozing body against mine" type of love. Oh, I forgot the "now I wear flip-flops and don't even care and experienced life without makeup for 5 weeks straight and have gotten to where I actually understand your goo-goo-ga-ga's and prefer them to plain English" type of love. I guess mostly it's a truly tender, bittersweet love that floors me. It is overflowing. Tenderness isn't something that ever came easy to me. But when that squiggly almost 7 pounder emerged from my body, I suddenly became tender. Nurturing and patient (OK, so maybe only with her).
Lately, I've been pathetically anxious and dreadfully in denial about returning to work on October 24th. I cannot fathom a life other than that in which I've been living for 15 weeks with Kaia. One in which she does not leave my side. A life in which I can decipher her cries. I suspect that most Mom's go through days in which they cannot wait to put their child down for a nap. I know I do! Finally, some time alone all to yourself. Some time to relax. Or perhaps time to pick your puked-on clothes up from the spot in which you dropped them week only to find they've begun to grow some kind of mold (yep, it can happen). Some time to comtemplate your next meal when you suddenly recall that you didn't eat breakfast and that lunch was skipped due to a spontaneous nursing session. But ya know what's strange? I cannot wait to come to the rescue of that waking babe, to cradle her in my arms as she struggles to adjust her eyes to the light. I call out to her "Mama's coming!" and snatch her up into the crook of my neck as as I smother her chubby cheeks in kisses. She smiles because she knows me....because I know her...because leftover milk in her mouth is gonna find it's way onto my shoulder at any minute...and I won't mind a bit. I'll keep on bein' her Mama, believing that she's really truly vocalizing the phrase "I love you" when she is whiny and tired, and that she'll change the world someday, and that she's the cutest patootie around. Meanwhile, she'll keep stealing my heart and reminding me that Motherhood is the greatest, most gravity defying love on Earth.
I believe Kaia has always existed and lived within me and that she has just recently come to me in the form of a child so that I could experience true love with all my senses. "I have existed from the morning of the world and I shall exist until the last star falls from the night." -from "Caligula"

Pneumonia is Pneu Fun!

(The photo shows me on the first day I felt really sick. Awful!)

I have a sneaking suspicion that this blog will consist of more than one entry...okay, wait, it's not even really "sneaking". This suspicion is all out in the open, announcing it's presence like a college roomate walking into your shared dorm room at 3 am after a night of partying. Know what I mean? Another admission about this story: in the wake of all the sadness and devestation in our world, this entry is going to sound PATHETIC, I tell ya. But I have to get it out.
Last night, at 2:30 am, admid the bit surprising heat of the desert, we arrived home after four weeks on the road in our RV. Four weeks with our baby. Four weeks with our yellow Lab. Four weeks of sleeping in different beds. Four weeks of filling up on record-setting priced gas every few hours. Four weeks of dealing with Pneumonia! When we set out on the road, I was sick. Really sick. But I thought I just had some nasty bug I'd get over. Turns out, I'd end up in the hospital for two nights in Dodgeville, Wisconsin on our last week of vacation with a massive case of Pneumonia has apparantly been hangin' out in my lungs since the birth of Kaia. (!!!) For me, here's what Pneumonia on the road looked like: lots of moaning, not being able to sit up for extended periods of time (i.e. only for nursing my baby), inability to even lift my arms (except to nurse my baby), a dry, deep cough, round the clock fever, night sweats, loss of appetite, Jason doing everything in his power to take care of our baby because I just couldn't...well, it doesn't really matter anymore. But it sucked. I finally went to a Dr. in my Dad's hometown of Warrenton, Missouri. Not having a clue as to what I had, the Dr. said "Oh yes, you have congestion in your chest". I was put on a 10 day round of Amoxicillin. I also sported a lovely fever blister. Due to this intruder, I was told not to kiss my baby until it cleared up. Have you ever had to "not kiss your baby"? Terrible. Barely possible.
After the Amoxicillin, I still didn't feel better. I checked myself into another Dr. in Jason's Dad's hometown of Charlestown, Indiana. After listening to my lungs, asking tons of questions, concerned looks and furrowed brows, the Dr. sent me to the hospital to get chest X-rays. "It could be many things", he said. " It could be a collapsed lung." "What??!! And I wouldn't know it??", I asked scared and flabbergasted. "Not nessasarily". I admit I was a quite relieved to find out it was "only" Pneumonia. A pretty nasty case of it in my left lung. This time, I was put on a 5 day round of Zithromax. We headed to Spring Green, Wisconsin, our last stop on the journey before we headed home. After four days at Taliesin, I knew something wasn't right. I still coughed. And it started to hurt in my chest. I woke Jason up at 9 am on Thursday and said "I need to go to the ER". Anyone who has read my blogs clearly knows about my aversion to hospitals. After Kaia's birth, I vowed I never wanted to step foot into another one. But I knew in my soul that it was where I must be. And I knew that I'd be staying. I had a premonition of sorts a week or so early...I was tied to IV's, not able to nurse my baby. And when I woke this Thursday, I knew I had to surrender to it.
Dodgeville is one tiny town in Wisconsin. Their ER admitted me immediatly and I was greeted my a kind male nurse. Right away, a nightmarish amount of testing began and I struggled to resign to them all. I abhor blood draws, and must lay down to avoid passing out. I must breath deeply and consciously block out any conversation going on during this time. I cry every time. Jason holds my hand and tells me it's gonna be alright. I almost hyperventilated when they had to insert the IV. I surived the scariness (albeit painless, thank goodness) of an EKG and CT scan and multiple chest x-rays. I even managed to get through a very painful arterial blood draw (although much crying accompanied it). But the time I bawled the most, the time I just didn't think I could get through one more moment was when they said I'd have to pump-n-dump and formula feed my baby for at least 48 hours. I freaked out. This was not my plan. Although this moment appeared in my premonition, I had dreaded it. I did not want to give up this intensly personal, profound, wonderful act of nursing my baby. The nurse stared at me in a combination of confusion, sympathy, and craziness as I wailed, muttered to Jason, flailed in the hospital bed, and choked on tears as I struggled to breath through the ball of Pneumonia in my lungs. The nurse silently left the room and in a few moments later the gentle, female Dr. appeared. She tried to talk me down. I had more resigning to do.
That first day was tough. Being tethered to an IV in the middle of my arm(which administered round the clock antibiotics and saline solution) restricted my ability to even hold my baby. Not only could I not nurse her, I really couldn't even bottle feed her or hold her or change her diaper. Of course, I am terrified of IV's in my arm, so I am extra cautious and careful. I envision it ripping out and blooding spewing all of the room (I know, I know, I'm insane). As I watched Jason feed Kaia her first bottle of formula, I again broke down in tears. "I should be the one feeding her...I should be holding her and gazing in her eyes...that's my job". As trivial as it may sound to others, it was heart-wrenching to me. I felt robbed. I felt out of control. I felt so very alone. I felt vulnerable and so terribly exausted. Jason is an amazing Dad and took care of our little girl like a pro. He slept in my room along with our baby and did everything in his power to love, love, love me. Dang, I am so lucky.
Another Dr. had stopped by around 10 pm that night to check on me and try to assess my case. The Dr's were really concerned as to how I contracted this and why it had held on for weeks admid rounds of antibiotics. They each asked questions, many about my birth. They concluded that I had aspirated a bit of the vomit (yum) during my labor and that it had settled in my lungs and caused this infection. Apparantly, my body must have tried like hell to fight it off, as I didn't get my first true "bang me over the head" symptom until 8 weeks postpartum.
I couldn't sleep that first night. I felt those same waves of disspointment that came over me after Kaia's birth. Why couldn't I take care of myself? Why didn't my body fight this off? Was I a bad Mom? My body felt so invaded with all the testing, and check ups, and routine breathing treatments, and unexpected blood draws that sent me into fits. At 3 am, when the nurse came to check my vitals, I told her I couldn't sleep and could I please get something very mild to help? She brought in Robitussin, which I politely declined since cough syrup makes me naseous and dizzy for 24 hours. Not exactly the relief I was looking for. I slept a few hours here and there and kept waking up suddenly with the thought of my IV coming out of my arm. The next morning, another Dr. consulted me. They were still concerned and kept encouraging me to try and "cough something up" so they could culture it to find the exact right antiobiotic to treat it. If I couldn't do this by the weekend, they make have to cut me open and scrape stuff from my lungs. When I heard this, let my head, arms, and tears fall. I held Jason's hand and babbled about how I couldn't do this anymore, I wanted to get better, I was so very scared.
My fate began to turn later that afternoon when the nurse said the Dr. had agreed I could get the tether line to my IV removed. Although the IV would have to remain, I would only need to be hooked up when antiobiotics needed to be administered once a day. I smiled for the first time. "You are my hero" I claimed as they removed the IV line. They also moved us to another room right after this. As I sat in my new bed, freed from the IV tether, I summoned Jason to bring Kaia over. I gently laid her on my knees and wept. I smiled and talked to my baby, told her how much I loved her and how I had missed her SO much in just these past 24 hours. I told her she had grown and that I was gonna get better for her. She smiled and laughed and talked to me and looked curiously at the tears streaming down my face. I felt like I was meeting her for the very first time. I cannot describe the overwhelming happiness. The blood now flowed in my arms out of sheer joy. I held her and changed her and fed her from the bottle (apologizing the entire time and reassuring her that Mama's milk would be back on the way soon). It was a new day!
I slept soundly that night and dreamed of my baby. The next day, the Dr. came with great news that I was indeed getting better and stronger. The antiobiotic was working and they felt confident about releasing me, although I'd be on a 11 day oral antiobiotic. I still had to get well and strong. With the Dr's agreement, I happily nursed my baby that night in a hotel room after being discharged. I felt like I could have nursed her all night. Man, how I missed it.
We are now home, after driving the 30 hour journey in about 40 hours total. Jason is a master long-haul driver and I am immensly thankful for his resolve and his ability to have NEVER complained once during the entire four week adventure. I have much, much to learn from him.
Settling on my couch to nurse my daughter after we arrived, I saw her look around and smile. She knew we were home. Jason and I, our baby, our dog and our cat all slept sounding in our tiny room last night.
While our "vacation" was anything but, I am once again faced with numerous lessons in patience, humility, parenthood, love, family, will-power, and surrendering. It was one tough adventure. I am looking forward to being a "Mom" again, without this infection. While I feel 90% better, I know that there's still that 10% in which I must take time to help heal. And for someone who had never been really sick in my life, I no longer take my health for granted. And now, I REALLY understand the quote I mentioned a few posts back:
" It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children."
I've been there. I've done that. And the emotion and experience never leave you.

Musings and (recent) Memories

So, this post doesn't have any moral to it besides "Writing Things Down Can Help You Remember Cute Things in the Future". Pretty boring, eh? Kaia, now that you have been part of our lives for seven weeks, I figured it would behoove me (and you someday) to take note of some of your sweet and unique mannerisms and personality traits.
**Like Mama, you love to have a rouge foot peeking out of the covers when you sleep
**You tug on your ear and rub your eyes when you are tired
**You curl your tiny fists up by your face to help you fall asleep (see photo above).
**Sleeping on your side is your number one preference. Unlessl tricked to do so, you won't fall asleep on your back.
**Mama knows one of the only positions in which she can hold you that lulls you to sleep. Curled like a bean on it's side, laying on the left side of my chest, with a blanket wrapped around you and your warm body cuddled very close to mine. You almost always must have your "binky". I pull it out when you fall fast asleep.
**"Kaia, Kaia Little Star" is your favorite lullaby. Mama recently learned there are 5 more lyrics and is trying to memorize them for you. There are some days in which I sing the first verse dozens of times until you drift to sleep.
**You also like "It's a Small World", "Hush Little Baby", and "Rock-a-Bye Baby". Mama made up one verse to a song just for you: "Kaia Marin, of the Earth and of the Sea, Kaia Marin you are beautiful to me. You're Mama's little girl, and you rock Daddy's world, Kaia Marin you are beautiful to me". Also, as a throwback to my Catholic school days, I've slightly modified a church song for you and it speaks volumes about your gentle and bright heart: "Gentle Kaia, quiet light, morning star so strong and bright. Gentle Kaia, peaceful dove, teach us wisdom, teach us love".
**Your "play gym" is your newest favorite toy. Laying on your back (one of the only times you'll tolerate that!) you bat at the colorful toys and talk to Mama and Dadda. You smile and coo and laugh.
**"Goodnight Moon" is the book that calms you and sometimes helps nudge you to napland. I've memorized almost every page. You gaze at the pictures and listen to the rhythm of Mama's voice and the words of the story.
**You absolutely despise getting strapped into your carseat. Early on, Daddy learned that swiftly picking it up and swinging you around helps to calm you down.
**Car rides are something you love. However, you DO NOT like for the car to stop. When it does, you break out in your loudest, most pathetic cry and usually don't stop until we find some bumps in the road to calm you. You have, at times, cried for 15-20 minutes non-stop and have lost your cute voice because of it. Your little fuzzy head turns red by your wailing and it's so sad for Mama and Daddy because we can't do anything to help you. We seem to always seek out the speed bumps and potholes just for you. We found out this weekend that you prefer riding in the bumpy Jeep!
**From day one, you have been a "spitty-uppy" baby. We must burp you every single time and one, or even two burps, is not enough. We must wiggle and pat you until you let out an adult-sized burp, which is almost always accompanied with spit up. Sometimes, you seem to spit up half your meal! We have changed many an outfit because of your talent in this arena. Daddy has the magic touch when it comes to burping you...he hikes you high over his shoulder and in no time you produce a big one!
**You really don't like having your diaper changed, but boy oh boy, you love naked time!
**Bath time is your number one favorite thing to induldge in. Mom and Dad take you in the shower with them and hold your naked body to theirs as the water gently falls on you. Sometimes, we dance around and sing the "Shower Pokey". Because of one of the early photos Daddy captioned for you, we call bathtime by the same title of that caption: "Soft Warm Sprinkles". During bathtime, you don't mind when the water runs down your face and eyes, and you reach your searching tongue out to taste the water. You never cry...until we take you out to dry you off!
**Your favorite, happy time is around 7 or 8 in the morning. This is when we play together!
**This weekend, you projectile-vomited all over Daddy at the Casino in Prescott. We were there to listen to Uncle Josh play in his big band and you had been very upset. I handed you to Daddy and within a few moments, you unleased a fury of breastmilk with unbelievable force onto Dad. It soaked him all the way into his shorts! Aunt Shawna said it was an "Exorcist Moment". We felt so sorry for you, but it didn't seem to bother you in the least. You felt so much better afterwards!
**You definately got your "Diva" from your Mama! I just hope that you don't hold your breath like I did!
**On good days, you stay on an approx. 3 - 3.5 hour feeding schedule. On not so good days, you want to eat every 2 hours, even at night. This is tough on Mama!
**Once you are down for a nap or nitey-nite, you sleep so soundly. Even your JP dog's bark, or a vaccuum, doesn't phase you. Sometimes you'll sleep 4 - 6 hours at a time for us!
**To help calm you down to sleep after your early morning feeding, we sometimes let you sleep between Mom and Dad. You almost immediatly fall asleep like this. Who can blame you? I think all humans like cuddling and snoozing next to the warmth of another. Many times, Daddy puts his arm over you and I position my nose close to your forehead so you can feel my breathing. Sleeping with you is a treat to us too!
**Some of your nicknames: Babinski, Binski, Bobo (Dad's nickname for you), Morning Star, Stinky, Lover, Cry-a (when you cry!!).
**You cry real tears now and it breaks Mama's heart. I quickly kiss them off your face and can taste the salt.
**Also this weekend, you pooped all over Mama while I was feeding you in the RV in Prescott. It was such a mess that me and you and Dad hopped directly into the shower together!
**Below are Daddy's specific contributions: You prefer to see who is holding holding you and you like sitting up straight or lying slightly reclined on someone's knees.
**When you are really mad or cranky, you kick your strong legs in protest. Diva!
**During diaper changes, or when lying on your back to play, your legs and feet always reach out to touch something.
**When you are just about ready to eat, you start your "fake cough". This means you are about out of patience and it is so very cute. It's your special way of communicating with us. I think your cousin Liam taught you this.
**Since you were born, Daddy's blanket swaddling is a sure trick to get you to sleep. You fight it at first, but soon thereafter you are just a little head peeking from a blanket with tired, tired eyes.

Kaia, we can't wait to see you grow and learn and love. And of course, this list will continue to grow right along with you.

Rhapsody in Blue (Jeans)

Last night, I awoke suddenly and frantically rolled to Jason's side to check the time. It was 3:00 am and I felt unusually rested. I did some quick math to surmise that Kaia had been been sleeping since around 9:00 pm. I briefly held my breath and listened for a sound from her...not a peep. All I at once, I counted my blessings and got out of bed to check her. She was a peaceful, sleeping babe. Crawling back into bed after five solid hours of sleep in a row was a delicious treat. She ended up waking up about half and hour later, but as I nursed her I grinned and laughed and thought "So, she's capable of six hours of uninterrupted sleep - what a milestone!" Of course, I immediately began comtemplating what factors could have caused this supernatural occurance...exaustion? really full belly? sleeping position? did someone slip a sedative in my milk? I had to know how I could duplicate it. I haven't figured it out, but I'm ready to give it a shot again tonight.
After her 3:30 am feeding, she went right back to sleep until 7:00 am. I felt like a brand new woman today, energized and ready to do what any well rested woman would do...go SHOPPING! This was the day I was going to wear great shoes. This was the day I would fix my hair and wear jewelry. This was the day I'd don a real (padded, no less) bra and pre-pregnancy blouse. And, best of all, this was the day I slipped...er, "squeezed and shimmied" into regular size 6 (for the number of weeks since Kaia's birth) jeans! Halleluia!
So who cares that the last button barely closed and that my jelly belly hung over the top of the jeans? It certainly didn't matter that they were a teensy bit tight when I sat down. Boy, it sure felt fabulous to wear jeans. While pregnant, I swore I'd never wear regular waisted pants again...I had fallen in love with the stretchy, comfy maternity bands in pants. I was totally unaware of the bliss awaiting me in those hand me down, worn out, torn and perfectly washed Abercrombie jeans (thanks, Shawna H! Do I have to give them back?). It was as if a shadow of my old body existed inside of them. I wonder if they are like the magic jeans in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" movie? I would be lying if I said I didn't sashay my way through Scottsdale Fashion Square mall today with Jason and the baby and my Bugaboo Frog stroller. I really felt like a hot Mama...until I sat down in the food court and watched all of the Scottsdale girls and woman strut by swathed in their Guess, Hollister, Gap, and Lucky brand fashion. I realized that mini-mini skirts are really in this season and this post-pregnancy butt doesn't have a chance in hell to be covered in one of them.
Well, I guess we Mamas must walk our own cat-walk. Remember that the key is really amazing shoes...no one ever looks fat in them!

The Art of Fine "Whine"

So, ya know it's been a rough day for me when I eat fast food (Chik-Fil-A to be exact), shovel down 2 hot, sugary Krispy Kreme donuts, and send Jason into Trader Joe's for a bottle of red wine. You know it's been really rough when Jason returns from Trader Joe's with THREE bottles of wine and a big, honkin' bar of Dark Chocolate for me. Yep, after samping all three wines, I am savoring the last of them - a rich and tangy Merlot.
Kaia's morning started off peachy, as she got to spend her happy morning time with Jason while I caught up on some sleep. During this time, I drifted off into dreams about Kaia (and Julia Roberts, but that's not even relative). In my dream, an approximately 1 year old Kaia sat down with me, her child-size hands gripping two ballpoint pens. She put the pens to paper and began to draw circles with each hand, simultaneously. Her speed increased, as the circles became inked spirals. I watched in amazement at this newly aquired skill of hers and proceeded to show her how to draw a smiley face with spectacles. She blinked slowly and studied closely as she watched the cartoon face appear on the paper. With ease and grace, she copied and added a face and glasses to her circles as well. I remember feeling utter awe at how "smart" my little girl was! My could feel my heart glowing a soft amber color.
I was awaken by Jason, bringing a cozy Kaia to sleep with me. I immediately relayed the dream to him and he smiled. I had been feeling a bit anxious the past few days about the thought of Kaia growing up so fast. She already "feels" different in my arms - heavier and sturdier. She now gazes around the room, turning her head, grasping close objects, and taking in the world through wide eyes. I cannot believe five weeks have passed. As I stare at her, an occurance more frequent than you can imagine, thoughts of her starting kindergarten, turning 16, falling in love, and bearing her own children race thorugh my head. Again, I am faced with my own mortality as well...and at times, I am scared. But this dream did wonders for me. Suddenly, I became excited about the thought of partaking in Kaia's sweet milestones. I became aware that each stage of a child's life is just as grand as the last and holds potential for unbearable joy. It sounds trite, but in a matter of minutes waking from that dream, I was calmed by surrending to the cycle of life and the bittersweet role of parenthood.
I am sure I will have many more an anxious thought. I don't dare pretend to understand each and every moment in the life of a parent. Yet, I marvel at how something as simple as a fleeting dream can exist to ease our worries. I spent the rest of the morning spoiling Kaia with close hugs - so close I almost sucked her into my chest and encased her in my heart. Jason worked up in the kitchen at school, so I was alone with her.
After I returned from lunch with Kaia, things began to get tough. She started a 2 hour cycle that wouldn't end until now (OK, 15 minute ago) in which she would eat, cry, cry, cry, sleep for 20 minutes, wake up and cry, cry, cry and eat. Weary and worn, I handed our equally weary and worn daughter to Jason as soon as he got back from his evening kitchen duty around 6 pm. It was then that I decided I needed Chik-Fil-A. There was a dual purpose in mind for this trip to fast food - not only would I satisify a pitiful craving but I hoped that the car ride would lull Kaia into a much needed nap. As we drove, she interjected very short dozes with crying fits. We drove around through the parking lots, intentionally seeking out speed bumps, in desperation. While Jason shopped for wine, I nursed her in the car and held her in my arms as she feel into a milk-intoxicated slumber. More wailing on the way home until she finally passsed out nursing on my other side at home.
It's days like these where I feel helpless...Very little worked to calm Kaia and, while she crunched her little eyes up during her crying spells, I told her how much I loved her and how I wished I could make it all better. I tried walking, bouncing, quietly holding her to my chest, binky in, binky out, swing, vibrating seat, over the shoulder, sitting up, laying down, outside air, wrapped in a blanket, diaper change, stripped naked, singing lullabies, and reading books...Jason tried the same. The only sure fire way to achieve mutual happiness is when Kaia nurses, but goodness knows that I can't possibly live with her connected to my breast! It's not the exaustion or her crying that makes these days so difficult. It's seeing my daughter upset and knowing there is so little I can do...I guess it's true that sometimes the most you can offer is love...(OK, and the boob). And, I guess it's true that "all you need is love" anyways...
If so, she is one VERY loved little child...

You've entered my blog lair!

Originally created on 8.2.05

Welcome! I'm in the process of transitioning my "soooo yesterday" babiesonline.com website to this new, hip, hep, and happenin' blog site. What's a blog? Well, the word is a shortened version of the phrase "web log". It really just means an online journal of sorts. Jason has started one as well to chronicle our trek across the USA in September, so I thought I'd join the bandwagon. The title of my blog site is called Meremortal - from a short poem I wrote about Kaia. This poem is on the front page of this blog site, at the top. She completely humbles me...and reminds me that I am merely a mortal. And I have to say, I'm OK with that. The lessons presented to me as a result of this little human "bean" continue to unfold each day. It reminds me of that old Tootsie Pop commerical: "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? The world may never know" And life's lessons are sorta like eating a Tootsie Roll Pop...you can rush through it and just bit right into it to get to the center...but you miss some of the flavor...some of the experience...If you lick it, you can begin to savor it, feel it, watch it change. It makes that ooey, gooey center oh so much more worth it. With Kaia's birth, I'm in the throes of feeling one lesson at a time, and I've watched some of my feelings, emotions, and values just morph and change slowly.
Now, I will say that I literally bit right into the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop during labor. I remember that my midwife gently offered it to me to suck on, hoping it would give me a nice break and perhaps a quick sugar rush. I went right for it, took a huge bite, and chewed it up. I recall some of those in attendance laughing at my voracity.
So, I hope you poke around in my blog lair every once in awhile. Don't forget to steal a lick of life's Tootsie Roll Pop! But be prepared - you may be quite shocked at what the center holds...

Gratuitous!

Here are some gratuitous photos of our tiny little cutie patootie!

The Great Dilemma

I have an inkling that I've stumbled upon the ultimate Great Dilemma of new Mamas, particularly first time Mamas. Quite simply, it's the dilemma of choosing whether to "Eat or Sleep".
The "Eat or Sleep" question comes into mind mainly first thing in the morning. It's usually after a long, hard night and right after Kaia decides to go back to sleep. If I'm lucky, I know that I will have a few cherished hours to do SOMETHING and, at this hour, it's usually "OK, do I sleep first or eat first"? Both are things I desperately need but can't seem to figure out which I should do first...never knowing if Kaia will sleep as soundly as I hope. And so the struggle continues. There are many times in which my tired body chooses for me and I snuggle back into bed. It's these times that I don't end up chowing down until around lunchtime, because when Kaia wakes up it's time for HER to eat.
This reminds me of of a portion of the beautiful poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
"It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children".
Admittedley, I'm not bruised to the bone, nor would I describe any of my nights as despairing...However, for the first time in my life, I think I truly get the point of this passage. As Mamas, we really do "do what needs to be done to feed the children". Of course, we do this in more ways than simply physically feeding them...I think of my Mother, who raised four children alone. I think of those weary times in which she would come home from work and crash on the couch. Somehow, we also always got to band or sports practice, dinner was always provided, lunch was always made for the following school day, laundry was washed, and kisses were doled out. I cannot imagine how challenging some of those times must have been and yet we never knew it. My Mama didn't complain. Ever.
Sometimes, I wonder where she mustered up the ability to be so resolute in her raising of us. I can't even be that determined to eat right, much less maintain enough patience to raise four children with grace, humor, respect, and unselfish love. I guess I'll have to learn if I intend on expanding our family! I'm sure those lessons will present themselves in bits and pieces along the way...it just seems too overwhelming to have to learn all at once. I think I'm learning that this is one of the reasons that we don't "figure it all out" in one divine moment of clarity. Instead, we have many tiny moments that end up being sewn together to create a brilliant masterpiece of a lesson. I guess life's lessons are like a puzzle...we search for a few more pieces to complete the picture. Funny thing is, sometimes we end up realizing that the puzzle picture was right on the front of the box and if we just would've studied it a bit longer, the pieces would have fallen into place. But noooo...we keep trying to make that one funky shaped piece fit into the puzzle, even though we know it just doesn't look or feel right. I'm trying to make Motherhood and Kaia's birth experience fit into the puzzle of mt life...and, it's definately not one of those wimpy 100 piece puzzles.

Daddy Gets Some QT (Quality Time)!

A few days ago, Kaia achieved a momentous task - she took a bottle of pumped breastmilk from her Daddy! I don't know who was more excited - me or Jason! Sitting with her on the couch, Jason couldn't contain his enthusiasm and adoration. "It's OUR special time now", he kept saying to Kaia with a child-like grin on his face. He insisted I capture the moment with a photo, even commenting "Get a picture from the angle I get to see - of her face". You cannot measure moments like these. I love that he relished in some splendid bonding time with her. It also reminded me once more not to take simple pleasures like nursing my baby for granted. Indeed, it IS special time between us. I DO get to gaze into her quiet and searching eyes and witness a number of hilarious and wonderful facial expressions. Knowing my body produces nourishment for my daughter makes me both proud and in awe (once again) of the incredible, unstopable power of our bodies. It's quite funny how thrilled I get about breastfeeding - you'd think I was the first woman to ever discover this "talent". The amount of pride I possess about breastfeeding is akin to humans creating fire - exilirating! My friend Megan used to describe that some of her fondest memories of Motherhood was nursing her children. At the time, I truly didn't undersand this - in fact, it almost baffled me how something so seemingly simple and "un-fun" like that could hold so much meaning to someone. Now, I understand. Perhaps it is the simplicity of it all that makes it even more enjoyable - the ease that Kaia takes to the task, the (usually) quiet setting, the instinctive way in which my body responds, the creation of a moment in time between just two people, her downy soft head in my hands, and the fact that there are no additional "tools" needed.
That's not to say that nursing isn't exausting, and seemingly endless, and messy, and sometimes frustrating. At times, it can feel like I'm constantly attached to my baby - literally! Now that Kaia has demonstrated the ability to take milk from a bottle, I've been exploring all the exciting possibilities in my mind - time for emails, times for naps, time for actually eating breakfast, time for TV watching, time for a bath...Alas, out of laziness, I haven't pumped any milk since then. Until I do, I think I'll stick to the "simple" way of feeding her. After all, I know I must savor these times with her. Five weeks have almost come and gone since her birth - do that about 11 more times and she'll be a year old!!!

Today's Lesson: Mindfulness

Kaia is indulging in a long and much needed nap, which has allowed me to indulge in everything things such as laundry, housework, emails, and writing! While feeding Kaia today, the lesson that unfurled itself on me is that of mindfulness. This is a simple concept, that humorously enough, was introduced to me on an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".

"Mindfulness or being mindful is being aware of your present moment. You are not judging, reflecting or thinking. You are simply observing the moment in which you find yourself. Moments are like a breath. Each breath is replaced by the next breath. You're there with no other purpose than being awake and aware of that moment." - from www.mindfulness.com

I began to get a bit stressed out about trying to console my grumpy daughter, who had been up way too long and wanted to eat every hour. I kept trying to think of creative ways to just make her quiet down and sleep - the faster I could do it, the better. I wanted to dothings - clean up, eat some snacks, relax and watch TV, put on makeup, put on clothes - and she just wasn't keen on my schedule. As a last ditch effort, I offered her more of nature's perfect food and she, of course, relented. I sighed, put my feet up on the coach, and pondered how long it would take until she was full and sleepy. Then it hit me: Why was I so intent on hurrying my precious girl? In doing so, I wasn't being grateful for the moment. I mean, here I was, with a 4 week old daughter that I had waited 9 long months for. We had planned for her, spent hours upon end envisioning her perfect birth, spend money on creating a humble and peaceful home for her...and now I was wishing her to sleep so I could put her down and participate in mundane things??!! Talk about a moment of humility. I dedided it was time to practice mindfulness...take in the beautiful moment of nursing my daughter, watching her eyes meet mine, feeling her tiny fingers grasp mine, noticing the little dimpled knuckles on her hands. Indeed, I had waited so long for this...and I have all the time in the world to get those other "things" done. And so, I snuggled down into the couch, wrapped my arms around her warm body, and closed my eyes. I relived her birth story, creativly editing some moments like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book. I imagined the Dr. again giving me the pros and cons of C-section vs. vaginal birth and asking me for my decision. This time, I sat up in the sterile hospital bed, instead of lying down and vulnerable upon the paper sheet. I looked at my husband and midwife, and locked eyes with the Doctor. With the strength of the powerful birth contractions I had just experienced, I practically sang my intentions for a vaginal birth. The words exited like notes in a primative battle cry. These notes were Kaia's words, they were not my own. From the corners of my eyes, I noticed generations of women, Mothers, standing beside me. They nodded. They prayed. They layed healing hands upon my head. The Doctor needed no response, because she too, had become one of the mystic women and she knew...The lights, voices, walls, colors became softer and more gentle. While time spiraled in on itself, I breathed my sweet, squealing girl into the world out of the same place in my body that she was conceived. LOVE. Her Daddy saw her emerge, bottom first, and laughed and smiled as we together smothered her with kisses and tears. No longer needed on her new journey, I watched Jason proudly sever the lifeline between us. It was bittersweet. It was time. It was over. It was just beginning.

I simply sat in silence with this created memory. I knew in my heart of hearts that Kaia did indeed sing her battle cry for the birth of her choice under those circumstances - she burst from my belly with overwhelming love. And yet, I needed to create this scenario of birth. I needed to know I could have done it and that Kaia could have done it...without fear. I had to know that somewhere, in a hidden corner of my heart, there was courage waiting to be tapped. It helped me come to a place of renewed trust and ownership of my body - something I will absolutely need for the births of my future children. I had to experience this long awaited moment of healing and acceptance. Perhaps more poignantly, sitting with mindfulness and thinking through Kaia's "re-birth" helped me stumble upon the realization that I am still the birth goddess I had always wanted to be! And, being mindful of Kaia in my arms gives me such deep peace and added vigor for tomorrow...and the tomorrow after that...and the tomorrow after that...

I often study my C-section scar in the mirror. I have, at times, despised it. It has represented anger, resentment, sadness, pain, mutilation, intervention, apathy, disappointment, failure. I have also embraced it as a reminder of the momentary door between life formed and supported on the inside and miraculous life independent on the outside. I like to think that as Kaia passed through it's treshold, she was wrapped in pure gratitude. My Doctor told my midwife that she took extra care in repairing my uterus because she knew I would have many vaginal births afterwards. Now I know that with each pass of the sutures through my skin and muscle, she also added a bit of hope.

Breast Milk, Spit Up, and Salt Water

I’ve been officially indoctrinated into Mommyhood – I’ve been baptized by breast milk and spit up! Kaia is a very “spitty uppy” baby. It covers my shoulder, the furniture, and her body every time she eats. We spend a lot of time burping her, changing her outfits, and washing towels, bibs, and burp clothes. The same goes for breast milk – we seem to be covered in it. If it doesn’t drip here, it sprays or leaks there. I’ve had to clean up puddles on our floor! I sleep with a towel under me at night and many times have had to summon Jason with a “Hurry, get me a towel! I’m drowning the baby!” Suffice it to say, I enjoy even these moments of Mommyhood. I’m so grateful for the fact that I can provide Kaia with ready made food anytime, anywhere for free. That free part especially works for me, Mrs. Tightwad Steele (OK, so I will spend some money on a great pair of shoes or an eyebrow wax…or a delicious brownie). Plus, an added bonus is the bonding time we get to have together when I feed her. We stare into each others eyes, sing, talk, coo, and sometimes fall asleep together. We discuss how we are going to change the world…or at least how she’s changed my world. She reminds me of how different life was inside the womb…and I tell her how much I miss that part too, but what would I do without her right here, right now, in this moment?
So, I really miss being pregnant. This feeling was quite intense the first week after Kaia’s birth. I came out of the recovery room still instinctively holding my belly, feeling for a baby that I logically knew wasn’t in there. One of the cruel realities of a C-section is that trapped air bubbles my belly made it truly feel like Kaia was still inside of me, kicing and moving around. This continued for a few days and added to my sadness of not being pregnant anymore. I had always told people that I knew I was going to miss being pregnant – it was such a special and unique experience and I cherished helping little Kaia grow. I never felt lonely when I was pregnant – I always had her. Suddenly, after Kaia’s birth, I felt a bit lonely. Empty. Happy, but lonely. With the C-section, she had come out of me so quickly, painlessly, with a sense of literal numbness. I think perhaps that added to the sense of emptiness – not seeing her emerge from my body, not working to push her out, left me feeling a bit disconnected from the birth process. I think had I experienced that process, maybe I would have had the chance to fully comprehend the fact that she was in our world now…not solely in “mine”. Nevertheless, after about a week, I began to “come back to life” and reconnect to the circle that is life…
Now that she’s here, I can barely comprehend how much I love her. When I was pregnant, I would see a new Mother and her baby and think “They are so lucky!” I couldn’t wait. Now, when I see a pregnant woman, I think “They are so lucky! Enjoy every single moment”. I think it’s a blessing that pregnancy was wonderful for me – makes it much easier to think about having many more little babies in my belly.
This morning, Kaia got to spend a few hours between Jason and I in bed. She seems to really love the closeness and warmth of lying in between us. We adore the chance to smell her sweet baby skin and hear her little “peeps” and grunts. Jason laughs and says he can't believe a "whole person fits inside that little body". We had a big weekend of visiting friends and shopping and it felt wonderful to get out and about. On Saturday, I bought some non-maternity clothes, albeit in sizes way larger than I ever expected to wear postpartum! But wearing clothes that don’t have a belly band and tie-back is a welcome relief. And I actually donned high heeled shoes! I’m working my way back up slowly to my stilettos…Yesterday we spend the afternoon celebrating our friends’ birthdays. Kaia experienced her first time swimming in a salt water pool and boy did she have a great time. We held her in our arms and floated her in the warm water – she looked around happily and even opened her mouth a few times to taste the water. I knew she would be our water baby! I’m sure she had a few recollections of her watery universe from just 4 weeks ago and felt buoyant once again. For me, swimming just enhanced my feeling of regaining some normalcy in my life. Parenthood is such a balance – while I could sit at home and stare at my daughter for hours, I also crave the things we “used” to do like going to a movie on a whim, or jetting off to IKEA for the day. Saturday night, Jason and I decided to go to a movie with Kaia. I fed her just beforehand to ensure she would sleep right through the showing. We bundled her up and found a perfect end seat in the back of the theatre. She was a doll through the previews and didn’t make a noise. One minute into the feature presentation and she began to wail! Jason and I looked at each other, picked her up, and headed out. We got our money back and sighed. I guess there’s always a next time! We decided to take our new roles as parents slowly…

The Desert Spirit

It's almost 5am and I'm up with Kaia for her feeding. I think she's going through a growth spurt the past few days as she now wants to eat every 2 hours or so! That makes for a tiring and long night for sure. Lucky for me, she goes right back down after eating.
The desert sun is preparing to rise...its faint light shadows the trees and cacti and the desert appears so peaceful and quiet. There is a beautiful spirit to the desert that took me many, many years to appreciate. It is moments like these, sitting with my daughter sprawled out sleeping on my knees, where that desert spirit prevades and overflows into my being...and makes me keenly aware of the connectedness of life. The spirit calls me...back to sleep...

What Day is It?

Having a newborn sure makes your days fly by. I no longer keep track of what day of the week it is and weekends melt into weekdays so that there is hardly a delineation. I can't believe three weeks have already zoomed by...I think it will be very tough to go back to work in Mid-October. After being able to watch my daughter grow, eat, breathe, sleep, laugh, cry, stare, pee, poop, fuss, and smile her way through each day, I think I'll really miss only seeing her a few hours before and after work! Daddy will have to fill me in on all her sweet and wonderful milestones.
A few days ago, I weighed myself...looks like I have 12 lbs to go until I hit my pre-pregnancy weight. Thankfully, I'm not obsessed with this. I quite enjoyed my pregnant body and my postpartum body doesn't bother me too much. I know that some good walking, and focus on healthy eating, will get me back to my goal. Speaking of my body, I do have to say that I was a bit shocked by what I looked like after Kaia's birth. After looking at myself in the mirror at home, all I could see was a poochy jelly belly, huge boobs, thick thighs, and an oozing scar from my C-section. Yeah - a pretty picture, eh? But, I came to terms with that fact that this "pretty picture" performed like a champ for 9 months and almost 24 hours of labor to bring an amazing life into this world. In that moment, I gained a greater sense of respect for my body and can confidentally embrace it in any shape and form. I am, however, admititally anxious about being able to get out of maternity clothes and into some normal gal clothes. However, breastfeeding calls for practical tops, most of which are maternity camisoles in my case. Also, with the C-section scar healing, the stretchy belly band in maternity clothes has proven to be the most comfortable for me. I hope to be in some more fashionable clothes by the time we make our trek across country to visit family, friends, and Taliesin East in early September.
So, one of the most overwhelming emotions I've felt as a new parent has been that I've become keenly aware of my own mortality. One day, I looked at Kaia and suddenly realized that I wouldn't be on this Earth with her forever...that I'd someday have to leave her...the enormity of that feeling, in that moment, was quite overpowering. I've obviously always known that death is an imminent fact of life. But when this new little soul joined us, I felt a deep sense of purpose and committment to having to protect her for as long as possible. It's a bit scary and instinctual. Jason simply desribed it as now feeling like he has a purpose...
Before Kaia, a baby's cry never phased me. It was background noise. "Oh, I'll have no problem putting my baby down for a nap while she's crying". Now, I cannot rush fast enough to try and figure out what she's trying to communicate to me. Crying when I put her down for a nap? It took everything I had in me today to let her cry for 2 minutes before I snatched her up and held her close on my sholder and apologized with kisses...
Yep, I love this little human "bean". She rocks my world.
Then, there are other surprises. Like how I can be so ready to go to bed, exausted from the day's routine, but then catch a glimpse of my sleeping peaceful baby and suddenly get a rush of adrenaline called love...and I'm high again. After three week, being able to wake that warm bundle up in the morning hasn't gotten old. I love it...adore it...cherish seeing her warm and cozy in her little pajamas. She stretches and yawns and stares at me with dark, glassy, searching eyes. I am her Mama. She is my daughter. We are a team. Wow.

The Afterglow

It’s been three weeks since Kaia’s birth. The magnitude of the experience remains. For the first week after her birth, I couldn’t talk about it without crying. It wasn’t because I was sad, but because it was so full of emotions, many of which I was still struggling to come to terms with. I have made peace with much of her birth –the hospital transport, the C-section, the choices we had to make. Some of the resentment remains, but it lessens as each day passes. I recognize that Kaia is helping Jason and I learn – as she did from day one in my belly. We have become stronger as a result, and yet are still firm on our stance that homebirth is safe, natural, and perfect. In fact, we are already anticipating and talking about our next child, which we plan on having at home (not for a few years!). Jason and I have always forged a different path in life and I don’t regret a moment of it. This will continue, as having a home birth after Caesarean (HBAC) is a challenging task and requires we remain resilient in our values and beliefs. Some may think that our experience surely has scared us into wanting another hospital birth. On the contrary, it has strengthened our beliefs about birth, about marriage, about women, men, babies, our bodies, medicine…
After experiencing the magic and mystery of a majority of her birth at home, I cannot imagine why every woman wouldn’t want it. It boggles me to think that women wouldn’t want to be empowered by one of the most important moments of their lives. In those hours we labored at home, I marveled at my own ability to naturally and wholly birth my child with not an ounce of fear or pain. Granted, I didn’t get to complete the experience, and believe me, I wish I could have. However, I don’t think this should lessen the significance of event. I know without a doubt that I could have, and would have, fully birthed Kaia safely in my home. I desperately wish that I could have felt the power of allowing my body to push her into our world, our home. I wish that I could have felt her lovely soft head emerge from my body, wish that Jason could have cut the cord, wish that we could have held her naked little body to our chests in the birthing tub amidst the candlelight and soft music. I wish that my friends and family could have witnessed the miracle of life, and the power of birth, in our own home. Yet...we were instead allowed to undergo a series of life lessons that I will forever share and be able to relate to others. And, as I told Jason, Kaia will be there for the homebirths of our next children…and, in this way, will be able to share her wisdom and encounter a re-birth or sorts along with us. Kaia is also stronger for this – she will forever be a fighter and I know there are great things in her future. Kaia is a peaceful baby and knows how to look into my soul and melt my heart. We have been trying to get her used to a routine, and she has her tough days. These are the days that she cries and whimpers for an hour or so when we try to put her down for her nap. She seems to have a sensitive tummy, and spits up quite often after eating. However, our pediatrician has assured us this is quite normal, so we try our best to settle her down enough to sleep. The great news is that Kaia continues to be an amazing sleeper at night and we always get at least 8 hours of sleep. She snoozes for 3-4 hours on end and wakes me up to feed her. I put her back down and she sleeps another 3-4 hours. She loves to sit up and look around, and has been intent on holding up her own head since she was born! We are both entertained when she smiles and makes funny faces as she drifts off into dreamland. I always imagine that those smiles really are for me and can’t wait until she intentionally smiles. I sing her songs and read her books, both of while usually calm her down right away. In fact, I used to sing “It’s a Small World” while she was in my belly. IN our hospital room, when she was just barely hours old, I sang this. To my amazement, she turned my way immediately and listened…she absolutely recognized the song, and continues to this day. Jason has the magic touch when it comes to burping her and he always manages to get some big ones out of her. She loves to take baths, and I love seeing her little wet, slippery body! Yesterday morning, (July 24, 2005), she awoke with baby acne. Poor thing – taking after her parents! She has bright, dark blue eyes that love to look out the windows and stare at our black and white Beatles poster. She sucks her hand and fingers, and we are struggling with how to balance using a Pacifier at appropriate times. She also has really enjoyed her stroller rides throughout the Taliesin campus (which doubles as a bassinet that she takes naps in). JP immediately took to her and is her protector. He knows to kiss her very gently, and his ears perk up in worry when she cries. He is a fabulous “big brother” – and she doesn’t even flinch when he barks. I think I’ve memorized every inch of her tiny cute body – her button nose, the way her hair sticks up on top, her “happy toes”, the smell of her skin, the way her soft head feels in my hand as I nurse her…
Are we exhausted? Are we adjusting to parenthood? Yes to both. Being exhausted is so worth it, though. Days seem to fly by now that we are on a schedule. I can’t believe she’ll be a month old in just a week. It scares me that time really can zoom by this quickly! My maternity leave will be over in mid-October and I don’t know how I’ll cope with going back to work and leaving Kaia and Jason. But, alas, she’ll be in the most caring hands ever with her Daddy. Being with Jason all day and night has been an added bonus and I feel like I’m totally spoiled. We love going out to eat or shop together as a family of three. He amazes me…he is a naturally wonderful Daddy. When I see Kaia fall asleep on his shoulder or chest, my heart smiles. I’m not sure either of us ever expected to be able to love something like we love Kaia – she has given us a greater sense of purpose and I cannot wait to grow and learn with her.

Quick Overview of Kaia's Birth

Kaia Marin Steele Arrived on Her Due Date - July 5, 2005!

Our little dark haired bundle of joy greeted the world with bright eyes and weighed 6 lbs, 15 oz. She was 19 inches long.
Her birth was an incredible journey of love, patience, strength, courage, anticipation, hard work and lots of fun.
Labor began in the wee hours of the morning of Independence Day. I slept throughout the early contractions and finally awoke to realize that our daughter would meet us soon. Jason and I spent the first half of the morning laboring alone in excitement, while my Mom came over later to clean up, mop the floors and finish laundry. We finally summoned the birthing team to our home around 4:45 pm when my water broke (although I later realized it probably broke early in the morning and was just leaking throughout the day. Sorry if TMI!). With our family gathered nearby on campus, Jason and I rode the energy of birth with immense love and support from our birth team, family, and friends. It was hard work...but not painful. Without Jason by my side, I could not have found a way to focus through the intensity and power of the rushes. He looked deep into my eyes as we worked together to help our daughter journey into this realm. Our birthing tub was a blessing!
Around 12:30 am, on July 5th, Kaia decided to surprise us once again...she was "sitting" (i.e. in a breech position, coming bottom first!). Because AZ law doesn't allow midwives to deliver breech babies at home (please help us change this!), we had to embark on an adventure to a local hospital, where Kaia was delivered via a beautiful and loving C-section birth at 2:35 am. Proud Papa and Marinah my midwife were by my side as our baby girl was lifted grandly from her home in my belly. She gazed at me immediately and I thought she looked just like Jason...My heart expanded 10 times over...
So...some may say "You didn't get the homebirth you wanted". True that we didn't anticipate a ride to the hospital, nor a C-section, but I feel that I still had a homebirth. I would do it all over again. I labored until I was 9 centimeters dilated here in the comfort of my home, surrounded by love and an energy larger and bigger than ourselves...I was empowered as a woman, as a birth goddess, as a human...by being able to labor in any position, eat, drink, sit in a warm birth tub of water with my husband, lay on my bed, get naked, breath and moan and laugh through rushes, carry on conversations with friends and family, kiss my dog as he rested his chin on our birth tub to watch, and have our amazing birth team constantly support and love me with healing touches and murmurs of encouragement...Birth has mysterious ways of teaching us lessons.
Kaia's birth transpired just a week ago and every day I work through the numerous emotions associated with it..and there are many. I work through the dissapointment of not being able to complete my birth process at home, simply due to a law that seeks to determine what is best for me and our baby without knowing circumstances. I work through the moment of having to decide whether to go through with birthing her vaginally at a hospital, confined to a bed, tied to an IV and fetal monitor with strangers and nurses, knowing a "hospital clock" may have been ticking and I may have ended up with a C-section anyways. Or, on the other hand, I ask myself if I could have chosen to have the incredible strength to do it anyways admist all of these intervetions and challenges? I work through the emotions that come with C-sections and what it means for my future children. I remember having to make this decision in a matter of minutes, while considering so much. Jason held my hand tight and offered only true deep love.
I work through the responses of people, who in kindness say "Well, all that matters in the end is that you have a healthy baby". How I want them to understand that the process, the journey, matters just as much! We do not learn if we only think about end results. We must learn to honor the process in it's entirety.

"It is good to have an end to journey towards, but it is the journey in the end
that matters." -Ursela LeGuin.

And I work the the awesome, overwhelming, beautiful memories of being at home...those memories and feelings carry me. As I said on the way to the hospital "I would do it the same way again...and it was so much FUN." I believe Kaia decided the fate of her birth - she chose. I simply accepted. Jason and I are so very grateful for the path we chose and even for the unexpected bend in the path that we didn't chose. We know we are tasked with sharing something important with others...lessons, learnings, stories...and those will reveal themselves with time.
From her first moment in our world, Kaia was intensly aware, mellow, and wise. Marinah described her as "grounded, and very much of the Earth". Well, funny that Kaia's name means "of the Earth". What I've learned is that this little soul knows so much more than us tenured Earth dwelling humans may ever realize. I've experience the power of birth unleashed and it was worth every moment.

Tue Jul 12 2005, 07:59pm PT
From Marinah, our midwife:
Leigh, Jason, Kaia: Kaia, your birth was such an amazing journey! Remember, and JP will concur, that these are the dog days when Sirius, the dog star, is conjunct with the sun and it is the hottest time in the northern hemisphere. What better time to be born in the desert? / Jason, your trust and love for Leigh as an equal partner is such an example - our world would be such a better place if every woman had a partner that truly cared as much as you do about being fully supportive and loving with feminist and women centered issues. It can only make you a better man and father to your daughter./ Leigh, - it is such an honor to see a woman decide for herself how she wants to birth and that her body belongs only to herself and, most of all, that birth is natural and safe. I hope all those around you are in as much awe as I, my sister midwives, and the doctors as we finally encountered a woman who was fully aware of her choices and made them from a place of power and love. Thank you and love, marinah ********************* (a poem) Love set you going like a fat gold watch./ The midwife slapped your footsoles, and your bald cry/ Took its place among the elements./ Our voices echo, magnifying your arrival. New statue./ In a drafty museum, your nakedness/ Shadows our safety. We stand round blankly as walls./ I'm no more your mother/ Than the cloud that distills a mirror to reflect its own slow/ Effacement at the wind's hand. All night your moth-breath/ Flickers among the flat pink roses. I wake to listen:/ A far sea moves in my ear./ One cry, and I stumble from bed, cow-heavy and floral/ In my Victorian nightgown./ Your mouth opens clean as a cat's. The window square/ Whitens and swallows its dull stars. And now you try/ Your handful of notes;/ The clear vowels rise like balloons. ************** - Poem by Sylvia Plath, "Morning Song"

Thu Jul 07 2005, 10:50am PT
From Shell, our midwife's assistant:
Kaia, You are so wise to have picked such a loving family! Your mother is very brave and strong. She labored with you in grace and beauty. I know you will benefit from the amazing way she allowed the miracle of birth to course through her body. It was a blessing to behold the love between your mother and father as they worked toward your arrival. If all babies were born with such honor, what a wonderful world it would be! May your life forever be grounded in the essence of your birth. ~Unity~Love~Grace~ Forever, Shell

BIRTH STORY PART 1 - June Comes to a Close

Although our darling daughter is now with us (yahoo!), I felt I needed to take some time to share some recollections since my last journal entry on June 20, 2005.

As the end of June drew near, I finally began to feel “ready”. I never really understood what this meant when people asked “Are you ready?” I loved being pregnant, every darn moment. I loved the way I felt, looked, walked (even though I guess I waddled). I loved the things it made me think about and wonder about. I wasn’t ready to give it up. Finally, at some point, I began to understand. I was anxious to meet Kaia and was getting exhausted at the end of the day. It became difficult to make my way into work in the summer heat and I was trying hard to train my replacement at work on the tasks and duties of my job. I felt like it was never ending! There was always so much to do. The anticipation of our daughter’s birth, and of my Mom and family arriving soon, finally made me feel “ready”.
At our June 27th prenatal appointment, I was thrilled to find out that our hard work had paid off – Kaia had turned into an anterior position! It felt wonderful to know that she was in an ideal position for birthing and I felt like I had really accomplished something great, with Kaia’s teamwork. Marinah and I sat together on my bed and talked through an imaginary birth story. We took turns finishing parts of the story until it was completed. Telling the story was more challenging that I thought it would be…never having ever been through birth, I wasn’t sure where to begin, end, or what came next! I had certainly done this a hundred times in my head, but articulating it was much more difficult. Marinah was awesome at guiding me, helping me to really think about and imagine a birth scenario. We talked about laboring here at home, in the birth tub, and basking in the afterglow of birth together as a family.
Our birthing tub was delivered the next day, but we didn’t set it up until my Mom arrived later that week (with Marinah’s gentle prodding “Ya know, I’ve seen many first time parents not have it set up in time!”). Jason filled it with warm Arizona summer water and I immediately donned my bathing suit and hopped in. It felt amazing to be buoyant and the warm jets were a welcome massage! I closed my eyes and envisioned my baby entering the world in this soothing environment. It was overwhelming and wonderful!
Jason and I worked together to finish some last minute home improvement projects – installing curtains and finishing our bathroom remodel. Having these completed brought a sense of peace to both of us. I mean, how could we have our baby without a fabulous remodeled bathroom? Haha. I also got my eyebrows waxed, which seemed very important at the time. I couldn’t let Kaia be scared away by my bushy brows!
I had always really felt that Kaia would come to us in June. But June came and went and the temperatures in Phoenix began to rise. July was upon us. Now, I really wanted an Independence Day baby! It would work out great since it was a 3 day weekend anyways and I’d be off work. I got a kick out of the fact that while I was at work, coworkers would stop by and be surprised that I was still in the office. I was planning on working until the end. One of my bosses said “You are crazy for planning on coming in your due date. You should just work from home”. I replied that sooooo few babies ever come on their due date and I would be in right after the 3 day holiday weekend. I left work early on Friday and packed up my laptop.

BIRTH STORY PART 2 - Anticipation

ANTICIPATION - PART TWO
Our next prenatal appointment was on July 3rd, 2005 and consisted of the entire birth team, my Mom, and our friends Theresa and Ember. We watched a touching and informative video about natural childbirth and homebirth and felt as ease that my Mom and birth supporters were part of this day. After feeling my belly and taking my vitals, all checked out well and I was once again relieved to know Kaia had stayed put in the anterior position. Theresa and Mom asked the birth team some questions and we all laughed and talked about the upcoming event, as I sat on my birthing ball. As I look back at the photos Jason took of this appointment, I can tell I was really tired...and really ready. What I didn’t know is that our daughter would begin her transition into our world in less than 24 hours. That night, I got into the birthing tub and relaxed. I noticed that the Braxton Hicks contractions were quite strong that evening.
Having my Mom in town was such a welcome relief and blessing! We spent time together just talking, planning for the baby. Mom cooked and cleaned and folded laundry like a pro – I was beginning to get really spoiled. Jason and I curled ourselves into bed on that Sunday night and began to talk about Kaia’s birth. We discussed that we really wanted to ensure that only positive and loving energy be allowed during the birth. We talked about who would be there and assured each other that everything would work out just fine. During the conversation, we experienced a renewed sense of joy and peace for our soon-to-occur homebirth. Around 1:00 am, we drifted to sleep. Beginning around 2:00 am, I noticed that I was being awakened by “cramps” in my lower belly. I tossed and turned and fell back asleep. A few hours later, I’d be awakened again and get up and go the restroom. Because I was so tired, I really never considered that these “cramps” would be early contractions. I remember wondering if the dinner I ate wasn’t sitting well with me! Finally, around 7:00 am, I got up to use the restroom and noticed a few drops of pinkish mucous on the toilet. After wiping, I saw more on the toilet paper. I believe I said aloud, quietly and relaxed, “Oh my god – it’s time!” It was then that it hit me – those “cramps” were contractions. I was in early labor. I smiled and gently tiptoed back into bed. I rolled over to Jason and said “Honey, I think Kaia is going to come today!” He looked at me and smiled and I told him about the cramps and that I lost my mucous plug. We hugged and kissed and layed in bed awhile longer and I kept having to get up because I was leaking fluid (Maxi pads to the rescue!). We decided we wouldn’t tell anyone for a few more hours, until labor started to progress. Our excitement couldn’t keep us in bed any longer, so I got up decided to call our midwife Marinah around 8 am to fill her in and let her know I lost my mucous plug. She was quite excited and told me to keep her posted…
Jason and I tried our best to go back to bed, and managed a small nap until around Noon. I had a few small contractions that were very random in pattern. Finally, Jason and I took a shower (and a bath!) together to prepare for what we figured would be an exciting day. I was diligent about shaving my legs, my armpits, and cleaning up really good. If I was gonna have this baby today, I was gonna look good! I put on makeup, did my hair, and even remembered to put on lotion and deodorant. I put on a Maxi pad and sat down for a breakfast of toast and cereal. .
My contractions started to become a bit more intense, although we didn’t time them. I would find myself pausing to lean against the table or lay on the couch. Finally, we called Mom over to visit a little after noon and told her the news. She immediately kicked it into full Mom-gear and starting mopping floors! All morning long I was having to change my Maxi-pad because of the leaking. It didn’t dawn on me until later that my water had probably broken. I was really expecting a “pop” and a gush! While standing in the kitchen with my Mom around 4:00 pm, I suddenly felt something dribble down my legs. I said “Uh, I have to go the bathroom” and sort of waddled quickly into the bathroom, the whole time leaving a trail of fluid on the freshly mopped floor! That was when I officially thought my water broke and came out to tell Jason and Mom. Time to call the birth team! I laughed as I noticed just how much fluid it really was and that it happened right in front of my Mom. It just so happened that I wasn’t wearing underwear at that time, so it really felt funny. In hindsight, I now realize that my water must have broken early in the morning and I was leaking amniotic fluid. I called Marinah, who happened to be at a July 4th car show, and filled her in on the news. It was around this time that I also called my friend Theresa to let her know that today was the day she’d be attending my homebirth. We’d both been waiting so long to share this experience together! It just so happened to work out that we had asked our family (Jason’s Mom and friend John, Shawna, Josh, Liam, Jeremy and friend Monica, and my Mom) to come to Taliesin to watch the 4th of July fireworks. What they didn’t realize is that they’d also get to be part of Kaia’s birth! They were scheduled to arrive around 6:30 pm that night. However, Shawna, Josh, and Liam arrived early and came over to eat a pot roast meal that my Mom had cooked. We all visited for awhile and I stopped occasionally to breathe deeply. At one point, I had to retreat to our room for a bit of rest.
Anyways, back to our phone call to Marinah – she said that she would be sending Mary, her apprentice midwife, out to the house to check on me. It felt so exciting to me that this was really happening – Kaia would be here soon! I remained full of energy and hope and joy and wasn’t scared in the least. In the meantime, Marinah wanted me to try and collect as much fluid as possible so that they could test to see if it was amniotic fluid. Mom scurried to find a small Tupperware jar and I looked hilarious as I tried walking around with it between my legs. Of course, now that I had a reason to collect the fluid hardly any would come out! I remembered that I had at least 3 soaked maxi pads in the trash that Mary could test as a back up. Mom decided to go home until Mary arrived. During this time, my rushes began to occur more frequently and became more powerful. It was then that Jason and I really started to utilize different positions to breathe through them – being on all fours on the couch was a huge help…