Musings and (recent) Memories

So, this post doesn't have any moral to it besides "Writing Things Down Can Help You Remember Cute Things in the Future". Pretty boring, eh? Kaia, now that you have been part of our lives for seven weeks, I figured it would behoove me (and you someday) to take note of some of your sweet and unique mannerisms and personality traits.
**Like Mama, you love to have a rouge foot peeking out of the covers when you sleep
**You tug on your ear and rub your eyes when you are tired
**You curl your tiny fists up by your face to help you fall asleep (see photo above).
**Sleeping on your side is your number one preference. Unlessl tricked to do so, you won't fall asleep on your back.
**Mama knows one of the only positions in which she can hold you that lulls you to sleep. Curled like a bean on it's side, laying on the left side of my chest, with a blanket wrapped around you and your warm body cuddled very close to mine. You almost always must have your "binky". I pull it out when you fall fast asleep.
**"Kaia, Kaia Little Star" is your favorite lullaby. Mama recently learned there are 5 more lyrics and is trying to memorize them for you. There are some days in which I sing the first verse dozens of times until you drift to sleep.
**You also like "It's a Small World", "Hush Little Baby", and "Rock-a-Bye Baby". Mama made up one verse to a song just for you: "Kaia Marin, of the Earth and of the Sea, Kaia Marin you are beautiful to me. You're Mama's little girl, and you rock Daddy's world, Kaia Marin you are beautiful to me". Also, as a throwback to my Catholic school days, I've slightly modified a church song for you and it speaks volumes about your gentle and bright heart: "Gentle Kaia, quiet light, morning star so strong and bright. Gentle Kaia, peaceful dove, teach us wisdom, teach us love".
**Your "play gym" is your newest favorite toy. Laying on your back (one of the only times you'll tolerate that!) you bat at the colorful toys and talk to Mama and Dadda. You smile and coo and laugh.
**"Goodnight Moon" is the book that calms you and sometimes helps nudge you to napland. I've memorized almost every page. You gaze at the pictures and listen to the rhythm of Mama's voice and the words of the story.
**You absolutely despise getting strapped into your carseat. Early on, Daddy learned that swiftly picking it up and swinging you around helps to calm you down.
**Car rides are something you love. However, you DO NOT like for the car to stop. When it does, you break out in your loudest, most pathetic cry and usually don't stop until we find some bumps in the road to calm you. You have, at times, cried for 15-20 minutes non-stop and have lost your cute voice because of it. Your little fuzzy head turns red by your wailing and it's so sad for Mama and Daddy because we can't do anything to help you. We seem to always seek out the speed bumps and potholes just for you. We found out this weekend that you prefer riding in the bumpy Jeep!
**From day one, you have been a "spitty-uppy" baby. We must burp you every single time and one, or even two burps, is not enough. We must wiggle and pat you until you let out an adult-sized burp, which is almost always accompanied with spit up. Sometimes, you seem to spit up half your meal! We have changed many an outfit because of your talent in this arena. Daddy has the magic touch when it comes to burping you...he hikes you high over his shoulder and in no time you produce a big one!
**You really don't like having your diaper changed, but boy oh boy, you love naked time!
**Bath time is your number one favorite thing to induldge in. Mom and Dad take you in the shower with them and hold your naked body to theirs as the water gently falls on you. Sometimes, we dance around and sing the "Shower Pokey". Because of one of the early photos Daddy captioned for you, we call bathtime by the same title of that caption: "Soft Warm Sprinkles". During bathtime, you don't mind when the water runs down your face and eyes, and you reach your searching tongue out to taste the water. You never cry...until we take you out to dry you off!
**Your favorite, happy time is around 7 or 8 in the morning. This is when we play together!
**This weekend, you projectile-vomited all over Daddy at the Casino in Prescott. We were there to listen to Uncle Josh play in his big band and you had been very upset. I handed you to Daddy and within a few moments, you unleased a fury of breastmilk with unbelievable force onto Dad. It soaked him all the way into his shorts! Aunt Shawna said it was an "Exorcist Moment". We felt so sorry for you, but it didn't seem to bother you in the least. You felt so much better afterwards!
**You definately got your "Diva" from your Mama! I just hope that you don't hold your breath like I did!
**On good days, you stay on an approx. 3 - 3.5 hour feeding schedule. On not so good days, you want to eat every 2 hours, even at night. This is tough on Mama!
**Once you are down for a nap or nitey-nite, you sleep so soundly. Even your JP dog's bark, or a vaccuum, doesn't phase you. Sometimes you'll sleep 4 - 6 hours at a time for us!
**To help calm you down to sleep after your early morning feeding, we sometimes let you sleep between Mom and Dad. You almost immediatly fall asleep like this. Who can blame you? I think all humans like cuddling and snoozing next to the warmth of another. Many times, Daddy puts his arm over you and I position my nose close to your forehead so you can feel my breathing. Sleeping with you is a treat to us too!
**Some of your nicknames: Babinski, Binski, Bobo (Dad's nickname for you), Morning Star, Stinky, Lover, Cry-a (when you cry!!).
**You cry real tears now and it breaks Mama's heart. I quickly kiss them off your face and can taste the salt.
**Also this weekend, you pooped all over Mama while I was feeding you in the RV in Prescott. It was such a mess that me and you and Dad hopped directly into the shower together!
**Below are Daddy's specific contributions: You prefer to see who is holding holding you and you like sitting up straight or lying slightly reclined on someone's knees.
**When you are really mad or cranky, you kick your strong legs in protest. Diva!
**During diaper changes, or when lying on your back to play, your legs and feet always reach out to touch something.
**When you are just about ready to eat, you start your "fake cough". This means you are about out of patience and it is so very cute. It's your special way of communicating with us. I think your cousin Liam taught you this.
**Since you were born, Daddy's blanket swaddling is a sure trick to get you to sleep. You fight it at first, but soon thereafter you are just a little head peeking from a blanket with tired, tired eyes.

Kaia, we can't wait to see you grow and learn and love. And of course, this list will continue to grow right along with you.

Rhapsody in Blue (Jeans)

Last night, I awoke suddenly and frantically rolled to Jason's side to check the time. It was 3:00 am and I felt unusually rested. I did some quick math to surmise that Kaia had been been sleeping since around 9:00 pm. I briefly held my breath and listened for a sound from her...not a peep. All I at once, I counted my blessings and got out of bed to check her. She was a peaceful, sleeping babe. Crawling back into bed after five solid hours of sleep in a row was a delicious treat. She ended up waking up about half and hour later, but as I nursed her I grinned and laughed and thought "So, she's capable of six hours of uninterrupted sleep - what a milestone!" Of course, I immediately began comtemplating what factors could have caused this supernatural occurance...exaustion? really full belly? sleeping position? did someone slip a sedative in my milk? I had to know how I could duplicate it. I haven't figured it out, but I'm ready to give it a shot again tonight.
After her 3:30 am feeding, she went right back to sleep until 7:00 am. I felt like a brand new woman today, energized and ready to do what any well rested woman would do...go SHOPPING! This was the day I was going to wear great shoes. This was the day I would fix my hair and wear jewelry. This was the day I'd don a real (padded, no less) bra and pre-pregnancy blouse. And, best of all, this was the day I slipped...er, "squeezed and shimmied" into regular size 6 (for the number of weeks since Kaia's birth) jeans! Halleluia!
So who cares that the last button barely closed and that my jelly belly hung over the top of the jeans? It certainly didn't matter that they were a teensy bit tight when I sat down. Boy, it sure felt fabulous to wear jeans. While pregnant, I swore I'd never wear regular waisted pants again...I had fallen in love with the stretchy, comfy maternity bands in pants. I was totally unaware of the bliss awaiting me in those hand me down, worn out, torn and perfectly washed Abercrombie jeans (thanks, Shawna H! Do I have to give them back?). It was as if a shadow of my old body existed inside of them. I wonder if they are like the magic jeans in "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" movie? I would be lying if I said I didn't sashay my way through Scottsdale Fashion Square mall today with Jason and the baby and my Bugaboo Frog stroller. I really felt like a hot Mama...until I sat down in the food court and watched all of the Scottsdale girls and woman strut by swathed in their Guess, Hollister, Gap, and Lucky brand fashion. I realized that mini-mini skirts are really in this season and this post-pregnancy butt doesn't have a chance in hell to be covered in one of them.
Well, I guess we Mamas must walk our own cat-walk. Remember that the key is really amazing shoes...no one ever looks fat in them!

The Art of Fine "Whine"

So, ya know it's been a rough day for me when I eat fast food (Chik-Fil-A to be exact), shovel down 2 hot, sugary Krispy Kreme donuts, and send Jason into Trader Joe's for a bottle of red wine. You know it's been really rough when Jason returns from Trader Joe's with THREE bottles of wine and a big, honkin' bar of Dark Chocolate for me. Yep, after samping all three wines, I am savoring the last of them - a rich and tangy Merlot.
Kaia's morning started off peachy, as she got to spend her happy morning time with Jason while I caught up on some sleep. During this time, I drifted off into dreams about Kaia (and Julia Roberts, but that's not even relative). In my dream, an approximately 1 year old Kaia sat down with me, her child-size hands gripping two ballpoint pens. She put the pens to paper and began to draw circles with each hand, simultaneously. Her speed increased, as the circles became inked spirals. I watched in amazement at this newly aquired skill of hers and proceeded to show her how to draw a smiley face with spectacles. She blinked slowly and studied closely as she watched the cartoon face appear on the paper. With ease and grace, she copied and added a face and glasses to her circles as well. I remember feeling utter awe at how "smart" my little girl was! My could feel my heart glowing a soft amber color.
I was awaken by Jason, bringing a cozy Kaia to sleep with me. I immediately relayed the dream to him and he smiled. I had been feeling a bit anxious the past few days about the thought of Kaia growing up so fast. She already "feels" different in my arms - heavier and sturdier. She now gazes around the room, turning her head, grasping close objects, and taking in the world through wide eyes. I cannot believe five weeks have passed. As I stare at her, an occurance more frequent than you can imagine, thoughts of her starting kindergarten, turning 16, falling in love, and bearing her own children race thorugh my head. Again, I am faced with my own mortality as well...and at times, I am scared. But this dream did wonders for me. Suddenly, I became excited about the thought of partaking in Kaia's sweet milestones. I became aware that each stage of a child's life is just as grand as the last and holds potential for unbearable joy. It sounds trite, but in a matter of minutes waking from that dream, I was calmed by surrending to the cycle of life and the bittersweet role of parenthood.
I am sure I will have many more an anxious thought. I don't dare pretend to understand each and every moment in the life of a parent. Yet, I marvel at how something as simple as a fleeting dream can exist to ease our worries. I spent the rest of the morning spoiling Kaia with close hugs - so close I almost sucked her into my chest and encased her in my heart. Jason worked up in the kitchen at school, so I was alone with her.
After I returned from lunch with Kaia, things began to get tough. She started a 2 hour cycle that wouldn't end until now (OK, 15 minute ago) in which she would eat, cry, cry, cry, sleep for 20 minutes, wake up and cry, cry, cry and eat. Weary and worn, I handed our equally weary and worn daughter to Jason as soon as he got back from his evening kitchen duty around 6 pm. It was then that I decided I needed Chik-Fil-A. There was a dual purpose in mind for this trip to fast food - not only would I satisify a pitiful craving but I hoped that the car ride would lull Kaia into a much needed nap. As we drove, she interjected very short dozes with crying fits. We drove around through the parking lots, intentionally seeking out speed bumps, in desperation. While Jason shopped for wine, I nursed her in the car and held her in my arms as she feel into a milk-intoxicated slumber. More wailing on the way home until she finally passsed out nursing on my other side at home.
It's days like these where I feel helpless...Very little worked to calm Kaia and, while she crunched her little eyes up during her crying spells, I told her how much I loved her and how I wished I could make it all better. I tried walking, bouncing, quietly holding her to my chest, binky in, binky out, swing, vibrating seat, over the shoulder, sitting up, laying down, outside air, wrapped in a blanket, diaper change, stripped naked, singing lullabies, and reading books...Jason tried the same. The only sure fire way to achieve mutual happiness is when Kaia nurses, but goodness knows that I can't possibly live with her connected to my breast! It's not the exaustion or her crying that makes these days so difficult. It's seeing my daughter upset and knowing there is so little I can do...I guess it's true that sometimes the most you can offer is love...(OK, and the boob). And, I guess it's true that "all you need is love" anyways...
If so, she is one VERY loved little child...

You've entered my blog lair!

Originally created on 8.2.05

Welcome! I'm in the process of transitioning my "soooo yesterday" babiesonline.com website to this new, hip, hep, and happenin' blog site. What's a blog? Well, the word is a shortened version of the phrase "web log". It really just means an online journal of sorts. Jason has started one as well to chronicle our trek across the USA in September, so I thought I'd join the bandwagon. The title of my blog site is called Meremortal - from a short poem I wrote about Kaia. This poem is on the front page of this blog site, at the top. She completely humbles me...and reminds me that I am merely a mortal. And I have to say, I'm OK with that. The lessons presented to me as a result of this little human "bean" continue to unfold each day. It reminds me of that old Tootsie Pop commerical: "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop? The world may never know" And life's lessons are sorta like eating a Tootsie Roll Pop...you can rush through it and just bit right into it to get to the center...but you miss some of the flavor...some of the experience...If you lick it, you can begin to savor it, feel it, watch it change. It makes that ooey, gooey center oh so much more worth it. With Kaia's birth, I'm in the throes of feeling one lesson at a time, and I've watched some of my feelings, emotions, and values just morph and change slowly.
Now, I will say that I literally bit right into the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop during labor. I remember that my midwife gently offered it to me to suck on, hoping it would give me a nice break and perhaps a quick sugar rush. I went right for it, took a huge bite, and chewed it up. I recall some of those in attendance laughing at my voracity.
So, I hope you poke around in my blog lair every once in awhile. Don't forget to steal a lick of life's Tootsie Roll Pop! But be prepared - you may be quite shocked at what the center holds...

Gratuitous!

Here are some gratuitous photos of our tiny little cutie patootie!

The Great Dilemma

I have an inkling that I've stumbled upon the ultimate Great Dilemma of new Mamas, particularly first time Mamas. Quite simply, it's the dilemma of choosing whether to "Eat or Sleep".
The "Eat or Sleep" question comes into mind mainly first thing in the morning. It's usually after a long, hard night and right after Kaia decides to go back to sleep. If I'm lucky, I know that I will have a few cherished hours to do SOMETHING and, at this hour, it's usually "OK, do I sleep first or eat first"? Both are things I desperately need but can't seem to figure out which I should do first...never knowing if Kaia will sleep as soundly as I hope. And so the struggle continues. There are many times in which my tired body chooses for me and I snuggle back into bed. It's these times that I don't end up chowing down until around lunchtime, because when Kaia wakes up it's time for HER to eat.
This reminds me of of a portion of the beautiful poem called "The Invitation" by Oriah Mountain Dreamer.
"It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after a night of grief and despair weary and bruised to the bone and do what needs to be done to feed the children".
Admittedley, I'm not bruised to the bone, nor would I describe any of my nights as despairing...However, for the first time in my life, I think I truly get the point of this passage. As Mamas, we really do "do what needs to be done to feed the children". Of course, we do this in more ways than simply physically feeding them...I think of my Mother, who raised four children alone. I think of those weary times in which she would come home from work and crash on the couch. Somehow, we also always got to band or sports practice, dinner was always provided, lunch was always made for the following school day, laundry was washed, and kisses were doled out. I cannot imagine how challenging some of those times must have been and yet we never knew it. My Mama didn't complain. Ever.
Sometimes, I wonder where she mustered up the ability to be so resolute in her raising of us. I can't even be that determined to eat right, much less maintain enough patience to raise four children with grace, humor, respect, and unselfish love. I guess I'll have to learn if I intend on expanding our family! I'm sure those lessons will present themselves in bits and pieces along the way...it just seems too overwhelming to have to learn all at once. I think I'm learning that this is one of the reasons that we don't "figure it all out" in one divine moment of clarity. Instead, we have many tiny moments that end up being sewn together to create a brilliant masterpiece of a lesson. I guess life's lessons are like a puzzle...we search for a few more pieces to complete the picture. Funny thing is, sometimes we end up realizing that the puzzle picture was right on the front of the box and if we just would've studied it a bit longer, the pieces would have fallen into place. But noooo...we keep trying to make that one funky shaped piece fit into the puzzle, even though we know it just doesn't look or feel right. I'm trying to make Motherhood and Kaia's birth experience fit into the puzzle of mt life...and, it's definately not one of those wimpy 100 piece puzzles.

Daddy Gets Some QT (Quality Time)!

A few days ago, Kaia achieved a momentous task - she took a bottle of pumped breastmilk from her Daddy! I don't know who was more excited - me or Jason! Sitting with her on the couch, Jason couldn't contain his enthusiasm and adoration. "It's OUR special time now", he kept saying to Kaia with a child-like grin on his face. He insisted I capture the moment with a photo, even commenting "Get a picture from the angle I get to see - of her face". You cannot measure moments like these. I love that he relished in some splendid bonding time with her. It also reminded me once more not to take simple pleasures like nursing my baby for granted. Indeed, it IS special time between us. I DO get to gaze into her quiet and searching eyes and witness a number of hilarious and wonderful facial expressions. Knowing my body produces nourishment for my daughter makes me both proud and in awe (once again) of the incredible, unstopable power of our bodies. It's quite funny how thrilled I get about breastfeeding - you'd think I was the first woman to ever discover this "talent". The amount of pride I possess about breastfeeding is akin to humans creating fire - exilirating! My friend Megan used to describe that some of her fondest memories of Motherhood was nursing her children. At the time, I truly didn't undersand this - in fact, it almost baffled me how something so seemingly simple and "un-fun" like that could hold so much meaning to someone. Now, I understand. Perhaps it is the simplicity of it all that makes it even more enjoyable - the ease that Kaia takes to the task, the (usually) quiet setting, the instinctive way in which my body responds, the creation of a moment in time between just two people, her downy soft head in my hands, and the fact that there are no additional "tools" needed.
That's not to say that nursing isn't exausting, and seemingly endless, and messy, and sometimes frustrating. At times, it can feel like I'm constantly attached to my baby - literally! Now that Kaia has demonstrated the ability to take milk from a bottle, I've been exploring all the exciting possibilities in my mind - time for emails, times for naps, time for actually eating breakfast, time for TV watching, time for a bath...Alas, out of laziness, I haven't pumped any milk since then. Until I do, I think I'll stick to the "simple" way of feeding her. After all, I know I must savor these times with her. Five weeks have almost come and gone since her birth - do that about 11 more times and she'll be a year old!!!

Today's Lesson: Mindfulness

Kaia is indulging in a long and much needed nap, which has allowed me to indulge in everything things such as laundry, housework, emails, and writing! While feeding Kaia today, the lesson that unfurled itself on me is that of mindfulness. This is a simple concept, that humorously enough, was introduced to me on an episode of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy".

"Mindfulness or being mindful is being aware of your present moment. You are not judging, reflecting or thinking. You are simply observing the moment in which you find yourself. Moments are like a breath. Each breath is replaced by the next breath. You're there with no other purpose than being awake and aware of that moment." - from www.mindfulness.com

I began to get a bit stressed out about trying to console my grumpy daughter, who had been up way too long and wanted to eat every hour. I kept trying to think of creative ways to just make her quiet down and sleep - the faster I could do it, the better. I wanted to dothings - clean up, eat some snacks, relax and watch TV, put on makeup, put on clothes - and she just wasn't keen on my schedule. As a last ditch effort, I offered her more of nature's perfect food and she, of course, relented. I sighed, put my feet up on the coach, and pondered how long it would take until she was full and sleepy. Then it hit me: Why was I so intent on hurrying my precious girl? In doing so, I wasn't being grateful for the moment. I mean, here I was, with a 4 week old daughter that I had waited 9 long months for. We had planned for her, spent hours upon end envisioning her perfect birth, spend money on creating a humble and peaceful home for her...and now I was wishing her to sleep so I could put her down and participate in mundane things??!! Talk about a moment of humility. I dedided it was time to practice mindfulness...take in the beautiful moment of nursing my daughter, watching her eyes meet mine, feeling her tiny fingers grasp mine, noticing the little dimpled knuckles on her hands. Indeed, I had waited so long for this...and I have all the time in the world to get those other "things" done. And so, I snuggled down into the couch, wrapped my arms around her warm body, and closed my eyes. I relived her birth story, creativly editing some moments like a "Choose Your Own Adventure" book. I imagined the Dr. again giving me the pros and cons of C-section vs. vaginal birth and asking me for my decision. This time, I sat up in the sterile hospital bed, instead of lying down and vulnerable upon the paper sheet. I looked at my husband and midwife, and locked eyes with the Doctor. With the strength of the powerful birth contractions I had just experienced, I practically sang my intentions for a vaginal birth. The words exited like notes in a primative battle cry. These notes were Kaia's words, they were not my own. From the corners of my eyes, I noticed generations of women, Mothers, standing beside me. They nodded. They prayed. They layed healing hands upon my head. The Doctor needed no response, because she too, had become one of the mystic women and she knew...The lights, voices, walls, colors became softer and more gentle. While time spiraled in on itself, I breathed my sweet, squealing girl into the world out of the same place in my body that she was conceived. LOVE. Her Daddy saw her emerge, bottom first, and laughed and smiled as we together smothered her with kisses and tears. No longer needed on her new journey, I watched Jason proudly sever the lifeline between us. It was bittersweet. It was time. It was over. It was just beginning.

I simply sat in silence with this created memory. I knew in my heart of hearts that Kaia did indeed sing her battle cry for the birth of her choice under those circumstances - she burst from my belly with overwhelming love. And yet, I needed to create this scenario of birth. I needed to know I could have done it and that Kaia could have done it...without fear. I had to know that somewhere, in a hidden corner of my heart, there was courage waiting to be tapped. It helped me come to a place of renewed trust and ownership of my body - something I will absolutely need for the births of my future children. I had to experience this long awaited moment of healing and acceptance. Perhaps more poignantly, sitting with mindfulness and thinking through Kaia's "re-birth" helped me stumble upon the realization that I am still the birth goddess I had always wanted to be! And, being mindful of Kaia in my arms gives me such deep peace and added vigor for tomorrow...and the tomorrow after that...and the tomorrow after that...

I often study my C-section scar in the mirror. I have, at times, despised it. It has represented anger, resentment, sadness, pain, mutilation, intervention, apathy, disappointment, failure. I have also embraced it as a reminder of the momentary door between life formed and supported on the inside and miraculous life independent on the outside. I like to think that as Kaia passed through it's treshold, she was wrapped in pure gratitude. My Doctor told my midwife that she took extra care in repairing my uterus because she knew I would have many vaginal births afterwards. Now I know that with each pass of the sutures through my skin and muscle, she also added a bit of hope.

Breast Milk, Spit Up, and Salt Water

I’ve been officially indoctrinated into Mommyhood – I’ve been baptized by breast milk and spit up! Kaia is a very “spitty uppy” baby. It covers my shoulder, the furniture, and her body every time she eats. We spend a lot of time burping her, changing her outfits, and washing towels, bibs, and burp clothes. The same goes for breast milk – we seem to be covered in it. If it doesn’t drip here, it sprays or leaks there. I’ve had to clean up puddles on our floor! I sleep with a towel under me at night and many times have had to summon Jason with a “Hurry, get me a towel! I’m drowning the baby!” Suffice it to say, I enjoy even these moments of Mommyhood. I’m so grateful for the fact that I can provide Kaia with ready made food anytime, anywhere for free. That free part especially works for me, Mrs. Tightwad Steele (OK, so I will spend some money on a great pair of shoes or an eyebrow wax…or a delicious brownie). Plus, an added bonus is the bonding time we get to have together when I feed her. We stare into each others eyes, sing, talk, coo, and sometimes fall asleep together. We discuss how we are going to change the world…or at least how she’s changed my world. She reminds me of how different life was inside the womb…and I tell her how much I miss that part too, but what would I do without her right here, right now, in this moment?
So, I really miss being pregnant. This feeling was quite intense the first week after Kaia’s birth. I came out of the recovery room still instinctively holding my belly, feeling for a baby that I logically knew wasn’t in there. One of the cruel realities of a C-section is that trapped air bubbles my belly made it truly feel like Kaia was still inside of me, kicing and moving around. This continued for a few days and added to my sadness of not being pregnant anymore. I had always told people that I knew I was going to miss being pregnant – it was such a special and unique experience and I cherished helping little Kaia grow. I never felt lonely when I was pregnant – I always had her. Suddenly, after Kaia’s birth, I felt a bit lonely. Empty. Happy, but lonely. With the C-section, she had come out of me so quickly, painlessly, with a sense of literal numbness. I think perhaps that added to the sense of emptiness – not seeing her emerge from my body, not working to push her out, left me feeling a bit disconnected from the birth process. I think had I experienced that process, maybe I would have had the chance to fully comprehend the fact that she was in our world now…not solely in “mine”. Nevertheless, after about a week, I began to “come back to life” and reconnect to the circle that is life…
Now that she’s here, I can barely comprehend how much I love her. When I was pregnant, I would see a new Mother and her baby and think “They are so lucky!” I couldn’t wait. Now, when I see a pregnant woman, I think “They are so lucky! Enjoy every single moment”. I think it’s a blessing that pregnancy was wonderful for me – makes it much easier to think about having many more little babies in my belly.
This morning, Kaia got to spend a few hours between Jason and I in bed. She seems to really love the closeness and warmth of lying in between us. We adore the chance to smell her sweet baby skin and hear her little “peeps” and grunts. Jason laughs and says he can't believe a "whole person fits inside that little body". We had a big weekend of visiting friends and shopping and it felt wonderful to get out and about. On Saturday, I bought some non-maternity clothes, albeit in sizes way larger than I ever expected to wear postpartum! But wearing clothes that don’t have a belly band and tie-back is a welcome relief. And I actually donned high heeled shoes! I’m working my way back up slowly to my stilettos…Yesterday we spend the afternoon celebrating our friends’ birthdays. Kaia experienced her first time swimming in a salt water pool and boy did she have a great time. We held her in our arms and floated her in the warm water – she looked around happily and even opened her mouth a few times to taste the water. I knew she would be our water baby! I’m sure she had a few recollections of her watery universe from just 4 weeks ago and felt buoyant once again. For me, swimming just enhanced my feeling of regaining some normalcy in my life. Parenthood is such a balance – while I could sit at home and stare at my daughter for hours, I also crave the things we “used” to do like going to a movie on a whim, or jetting off to IKEA for the day. Saturday night, Jason and I decided to go to a movie with Kaia. I fed her just beforehand to ensure she would sleep right through the showing. We bundled her up and found a perfect end seat in the back of the theatre. She was a doll through the previews and didn’t make a noise. One minute into the feature presentation and she began to wail! Jason and I looked at each other, picked her up, and headed out. We got our money back and sighed. I guess there’s always a next time! We decided to take our new roles as parents slowly…