Poem: No One Tells You

No one tells you
That in one flash
Of a moment
The earth shifts and
You move from selfish
To caretaker for all

The cat
The dog
The laundry
The dirt
Was always there
Waiting quite patiently

But now, because of that moment,
The frail cat needs
Herbs and reiki
A syringe full of pasty food
“a pate” they say
that drips from her chin

the dog, weary from a
day in the canyon
has broken or strained
his paw
and needs to be supported
to stand or walk or pee

laundry must be sorted, socks matched
and must smell
fresh, of some man-made
aroma that can’t be placed
but just smells
right and respectable

the cheese and dirt
mustn’t cover the counters
for too long and
one cannot dream
knowing a chocolate chip
has strayed from it’s package

i care about sleep
and bright ready eyes
and skins that glows just so
but not enough to
let her wail alone
in her room while I think

about dirt and cheese
and smelly clothes
and cats and dogs
and they way they rain
and how I used to care
about only me.

Poem: Sleep Becomes Her

Your face
On the pillow
Whose cover hasn’t
been washed
in a week.
The same pillow
your daddy drools on
Because he sleeps
so sound.
He flips it over
graciously
when I notice
the spots.
And I snobbishly
will not sleep
On the pillow.
But you do
Because your face
On the pillow
is all that matters
right now.

Poem: Pieced Apart

The first poem written about Kaia's birth. It's been residing inside me for some time, and - like my healing - is a work in progress.
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I piece apart my yearning
As if I must somehow defend it
Understand it wholly
Know where and why
My heart was ripped
My body was torn and numb
Like my soul
My child removed, my soul
Why my tears fell too easily


That night
I clung onto the words
“this child can’t be born at home”
and wanted to fling them
with Olympic bravado
through the small slits of glass
I needed to hear them crash around
the shards
and bleed.
It’s hard falling from grace
So swiftly


I shiver remembering
How my body shut down
After so much work
And so much love
A defiant act
I grasped the child inside me and
dug my tattered nails
Into a system I couldn’t beat.
I could not protect her
From the lights
The strange gloved hands
The piercing and grabbing
The urgent and redundant need
To breathe over her life

I am sure she heard my plea
“wait, baby, wait”
and was simply holding
her breath
waiting for the signal
the pushing
the fire
the water
the hands
of her daddy
her sage
her mother.
“home, baby, home”.

The Tale of the Princess Who Wouldn't Sleep.

Long ago, in a place of lore, there was a lovely Princess. Princess Kaia's name meant "Of The Earth" and indeed, she was truly loved and adored by all in the land. And, when the stars shone softly upon the desert, she would sleep. Through the night. Peacefully. All was good and happy.
And then, there was some distruption in the land and the King Daddy and Queen Mama decided it was time to leave. Into Nana's house they moved, into a small, cozy room which would be home for two moons. There were kitties and doggies and lots of kisses from the Nana. And then, in the comfort and excitement of Nana's house, Kaia decided she would no longer need to sleep. Through the night. Peacefully. Kaia would instead wake often. Throughout the night. Loudly. Consistently.
"This, too, shall pass", the Queen Mama would say. "When we find a home of our own, our princess Kaia will once again feel safe and secure and will surely remember that nighttime is for sleeping".
And so, according to plan, the Kin, Queen, and Mama moved into a home of their own. It was a beautiful, spacious castle in the mountains just north of the desert land. Just enough room for the King, Queen, and Princess to stretch their bodies and relax. And the lucky little Princess had a room of her own with windows and a fan and her comfy crib. "Certainly, this princess-sized room will be just quiet and peaceful enough for our little girl to sleep soundly in", said the Queen Mama.
And, so the story goes: The Princess Kaia does not sleep. Through the night. Peacefully. The Princess decides instead to fall asleep only on Queen Mama and, when laid gently into her downy crib, awakens with sad cries, determined screams, and a frowning mouth. Once Princess Kaia is finally off to dreamland, she pierces the silent night frequently with the same sad cries, determined screams, and frowning mouth. She is hungry. She is lonely. She is on her back. Her nose is snotty. She is confused. She is binkyless. And then, she is in the Queen Mama's arms.
Queen Mama wonders when the "Seepy Seepland"fairy will visit Princess Kaia and sprinkle "Seepy Seep" dust on her sweet, closed hazel eyes. It will surely be a wondorous night. It will certainly be so quiet. Queen Mama wonders "Will it be lonely"? And we will sleep...happily ever after...through the night. Peacefully. Until the next Princess or Prince joins the royal family.

Raindrops on Roses, Whiskers on Kittens...

Some of MY favorite things! Months ago, I started a list of those thingsin life that never get "old"...simple plesasures. ..things you can experience over and over, and each time they are just as deliciously enticing and pure as the first time...Won't you help me add to the list?

• You are never too old to ride a shopping cart through the parking lot. Get a little momentum and hop on! It's exilirating, especially on a warm summer night. And you can't help but giggle and smile.
  
• The first rain of the season...the smell is so earthy, you can almost taste it.
  
• I love a deep belly laugh that makes you cry or almost wet your pants! The feeling and adrenaline remains long after the laugther is gone.
  
• Being barefoot in grass. When I see an especially tempting, lush plot of grass here in Arizona, I immediately toss my shoes and wiggle my feet deep into the softness.
• The feeling and anticipation of exiting your car at a final vacation destination. This is usually accompanied by a slow stretch of my body - feels so good after riding in a cramped car.
  
• Baking chocolate chip cookies. Tonight, I baked them while on speakerphone with my Mom. I added a sprinkle of oatmeal and a dash of love.
• Kissing babies. Especially their toes and noses. Kaia leans in and gives fantastic open mouth kisses.
  
• Throwing a frisbee with my dog. Watching him dash off for the soaring disc of fun and catch it in midair makes me giddy.
• Star gazing. My Dad and I used to star gaze on our backs in the grass of our front yard. We would talk about the galaxy, time travel, black holes, how stars are born and how they die. We would ponder our existance and the existance of beings beyond our imaginations. Star gazing makes you feel small and insignificant and stretches the limits of our minds.
• Treatsure and scavenger hunts. When we were young, my folks used to coordinate scavenger hunts on our 10 acres of wooded land in Missouri. The excitement overflowed as we scampered through the trees and ravines, glancing down at our homemade maps, to find the treasures.
• Nothing beats finding a new haunt. Nothing REALLY beats finding a new haunt with your best friendfeel quite special and very smart for having found such a fabulous place.
  
• Spontaneous road adventures. Sometimes they don't start off so well, like if you've gotten lost on your way to somewhere else. Most times, they end well with great memories.
• Ohhh, the smell of a new book. Fresh, clean, important, ready to be cracked open. I've often thought of it as the smell of the words "baking", rising off the pages. I remember what my textbooks even smelled like in grade school. For a few days, the smell made you excited to be in school.
  
• Doesn't it feel great when you get something right? Solving a Math problem, finally "mastering" a hobby, or even that moment when you make a "connection". For me, it's quite simple. I recently felt this way when I cooked a casserole that I'd had many times at a friend's house. When it came out of the oven, I could tell it was "right". I felt validated.
  
• Remembering dreams is a sort of mini-pastime of mine. Sometimes, I remember them off the bat. Sometimes, I don't recall them until I see a person I dreamed of in real life. I often only connect the storylines of my dream as I'm actually telling them to someone. I marvel at how the brain works and think my dreams help me to connect to our realm in a way I'm not able to when awake.
  
• The anticipation of waiting for a loved one at the airport. This is always a bittersweet moment. Jason and I mastered this while we dated long distance for a year. I still remember the first time I met him at the airport in Albequerque (long story!). I was wearing a long, flowing skirt and boots and was oh so young. He careened towards me in a sweet, vulnerable way that was full of gratitude. Our smiles were our words for many long minutes.
  
• Jello. Squishy, wiggly, colorful, slippery, sweet. Goes down "like butta". 'Nuff said.
  
• There is something incredibly indulgent about waking up to a gorgeous day with absolutely nothing planned.
  
• Of course, napping during a rainstorm is high on the list. This combines a few of the "best of the best": napping, listening to a rainstorm, the smell of rain, being warm and cozy, taking time to yourself. And if napping with someone else, particularly a baby, it is simply divine.
• Dejavu. Is that how you spell is? Not only is it fun to say, I get chills every time I experience it. Dejavu is another pheomenon that makes you think...
• Hiccups. Seriously, I love them. I really think our world is divided into two groups: Those who love hiccups and those who can't stand them. They make me laugh, they make me wonder, and I love that the noise is uncontrollable. Close your mouth, you still make a noise.
  
• Flying into a big city at night. Seeing all the lights reminds me of a Christmas tree. From up there, the city looks happy.
  
• If you know me, then you know I LOVE to spy. I spy on arguing couples at restaurants, spy on people at the airport, and spy on parents at the mall. When Jason catches me he always says "I know you're spying..." Spying does not get old.
  
• Peering through lighted windows as you drive at night. I love seeing families watching TV, cats in the window, Mom's cooking dinner...it's pure Americana, Norman-Rockwell style.
  
<>It seems this is easier to do in the Midwest, where bay-windows abound and where many homes leave their front doors open so that you can see into the storm doors.

Six Months!

(Click photo for bigger version of cuteness!)

As of yesterday, January 5th...six months of baby bliss! Six months of spit up, restless nights, knowing glances, endearing expressions, unrequited love, poopy diapers, unscheduled nursing ssessions, learning a new language, and being reminded of a language so primitive and real...parental love!
And within those six short months...recovering from a C-birth, battling and recovering from pneumonia, moving (twice), taking on new jobs (Jason), returning to old jobs (mine) leaving a dream behind (Taliesin West), pursuing new dreams (search for the perfect plot of land to build our house), and getting to intimately know another human (Kaia, and Jason again). What a whirlwind of a year 2005 was. I cannot imagine what 2006 holds for us.
Smack dab in the middle of the holiday season, we decided to move. And this year, for the first year in many many, we were unable to send holiday cards by Christmas. I had a letter written and everything (including a family photo!), but alas, it got put on the backburner while moving in to our new home in Anthem. I am in the process of editing it and will be posting it soon. So, yes, it's doesn't quite have the "personal, arriving in the mail, happy holiday" effect. But, we did want to share our thoughts with each of you as we welcome the new year.
Our little girl has a runny, snotty nose. Last night we put her to bed in her stroller, so that she could be more upright for nose drainage purposes. Well, she awoke 3-4 times every hour until, out of Mommy desperation, I scooped her up at 4:30 am and headed to Wal-Mart for some relief. We aren't huge fans of medicating our baby, so if driving to Wally World in the wee hours of the morning wasn't enought to convince you I was desperate, then certainly going there for medicine should...
In a half daze (don't worry, I was cognizant enough to drive), I wrapped Kaia up in a fleece blankie and hopped in the car. The wind was bitter and gusted around us. Kaia looked up through her little hole in the blanket with wide, excited eyes. With the moonlight upon us, I could even see her baby fine hair blowing in the wind. In search of Tylenol Cold/Cough medicine for infants, I finally realized that Mommies of sick babies have recently gotten the shaft! The new regulations around selling cough medicine have changed so that you must purchase the stuff from the pharmacy. Of course, Wal-Mart's pharmacy isn't open at 4:30 am for Mommies in dire need of one straight hour of uninterruped sleep. So, I settled on children's allergy medicine that seemed to have simliar ingredients for alleviating runny noses. I didn't even wait until we were out of Wal-Mart to administer the first dose. Hey, I figured I had a good 5 minute drive in which it could start to course through her body.
I managed to get about 2 hours of decent sleep, in which I dreamed like a madwoman. After arriving home from work today, and noticing her nose hadn't cleared a bit, I sent Jason out for the good stuff. In less than an hour, it had worked. I just recently put the exausted babe down for the night without so much as a peep from her. Let's hope tonight is better!
So, at six months, our precious girl loves to sit up and play on her soft giraffe mat. She'll entertain herself for 15 minutes at a time, which, for Moms, is akin to hours! Enough time to speed clean a kitchen, write a few emails, fold a load of laundry, fix a bite to eat - no, a MEAL, or make some quick phone calls. When she starts to get fussy, I move her from station to station - to her Exersaucer next, then in her stroller, then in front of the TV to watch Sesame Street, then on my lap, then down for a nap. She's rolling over so much, mainly from her tummy to back, and loves to gnaw at her toes. We've figured out how to make her "belly laugh", which we can't get enough of. While she hasn't started to crawl yet, she rolls and reaches, and grabs at anything in sight. Testing her lungs and vocal cords is her other new found passion, and she can release an array of squeaks, squawks, and screams. Speaking of releasing, she's also a gas machine, ifya know what I mean! She eats baby food once a day and Kimmy's Special (my sitters homemade sweet potatoes) and so far doesn't seem too keen on greens. Gonna have to work on that! She watches JP intently and I melt when she smiles and laughs at him.
I still hold my girl and rock her to sleep everyday and think about how she has seemed to sprout into a "kid" so quickly. I never, ever thought I'd almost forget what those early infant days were like...holding and kissing and nursing such a tiny body. She's got me "wrapped" around her chubby fingers!