Having a newborn sure makes your days fly by. I no longer keep track of what day of the week it is and weekends melt into weekdays so that there is hardly a delineation. I can't believe three weeks have already zoomed by...I think it will be very tough to go back to work in Mid-October. After being able to watch my daughter grow, eat, breathe, sleep, laugh, cry, stare, pee, poop, fuss, and smile her way through each day, I think I'll really miss only seeing her a few hours before and after work! Daddy will have to fill me in on all her sweet and wonderful milestones.
A few days ago, I weighed myself...looks like I have 12 lbs to go until I hit my pre-pregnancy weight. Thankfully, I'm not obsessed with this. I quite enjoyed my pregnant body and my postpartum body doesn't bother me too much. I know that some good walking, and focus on healthy eating, will get me back to my goal. Speaking of my body, I do have to say that I was a bit shocked by what I looked like after Kaia's birth. After looking at myself in the mirror at home, all I could see was a poochy jelly belly, huge boobs, thick thighs, and an oozing scar from my C-section. Yeah - a pretty picture, eh? But, I came to terms with that fact that this "pretty picture" performed like a champ for 9 months and almost 24 hours of labor to bring an amazing life into this world. In that moment, I gained a greater sense of respect for my body and can confidentally embrace it in any shape and form. I am, however, admititally anxious about being able to get out of maternity clothes and into some normal gal clothes. However, breastfeeding calls for practical tops, most of which are maternity camisoles in my case. Also, with the C-section scar healing, the stretchy belly band in maternity clothes has proven to be the most comfortable for me. I hope to be in some more fashionable clothes by the time we make our trek across country to visit family, friends, and Taliesin East in early September.
So, one of the most overwhelming emotions I've felt as a new parent has been that I've become keenly aware of my own mortality. One day, I looked at Kaia and suddenly realized that I wouldn't be on this Earth with her forever...that I'd someday have to leave her...the enormity of that feeling, in that moment, was quite overpowering. I've obviously always known that death is an imminent fact of life. But when this new little soul joined us, I felt a deep sense of purpose and committment to having to protect her for as long as possible. It's a bit scary and instinctual. Jason simply desribed it as now feeling like he has a purpose...
Before Kaia, a baby's cry never phased me. It was background noise. "Oh, I'll have no problem putting my baby down for a nap while she's crying". Now, I cannot rush fast enough to try and figure out what she's trying to communicate to me. Crying when I put her down for a nap? It took everything I had in me today to let her cry for 2 minutes before I snatched her up and held her close on my sholder and apologized with kisses...
Yep, I love this little human "bean". She rocks my world.
Then, there are other surprises. Like how I can be so ready to go to bed, exausted from the day's routine, but then catch a glimpse of my sleeping peaceful baby and suddenly get a rush of adrenaline called love...and I'm high again. After three week, being able to wake that warm bundle up in the morning hasn't gotten old. I love it...adore it...cherish seeing her warm and cozy in her little pajamas. She stretches and yawns and stares at me with dark, glassy, searching eyes. I am her Mama. She is my daughter. We are a team. Wow.
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