Poem: Pieced Apart

The first poem written about Kaia's birth. It's been residing inside me for some time, and - like my healing - is a work in progress.
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I piece apart my yearning
As if I must somehow defend it
Understand it wholly
Know where and why
My heart was ripped
My body was torn and numb
Like my soul
My child removed, my soul
Why my tears fell too easily


That night
I clung onto the words
“this child can’t be born at home”
and wanted to fling them
with Olympic bravado
through the small slits of glass
I needed to hear them crash around
the shards
and bleed.
It’s hard falling from grace
So swiftly


I shiver remembering
How my body shut down
After so much work
And so much love
A defiant act
I grasped the child inside me and
dug my tattered nails
Into a system I couldn’t beat.
I could not protect her
From the lights
The strange gloved hands
The piercing and grabbing
The urgent and redundant need
To breathe over her life

I am sure she heard my plea
“wait, baby, wait”
and was simply holding
her breath
waiting for the signal
the pushing
the fire
the water
the hands
of her daddy
her sage
her mother.
“home, baby, home”.