Friday, March 31, 2006

Top Ten + 1

So, I'm stealing this list idea from MaryBeth. I just got such a kick out of her list that I felt compelled to try one of my own. As I closed my eyes and brainstormed those things I have come to love, I suddenly became embarrassed. They pale in comparison to MB's earthy, environmentally friendly, organic, easy-going list. I mean, dang, her list makes you really feel like she has her priorities straight. She's "centered"!

I scanned my preliminary list and felt like I had to take a red pen to it for editing. But then, I sat back in my chair, shushed the critics in my head, and breathed deep (probably not as deep as MB can breathe)...

This is MY list. It's me. The good, the bad, and the chocoholic. At my core, I'm a wannabe: vegetarian/stay at home mama/yogi who recycles, craves a healthy snack over In-n-Out Burger and can bust out in a graceful, balanced Tree pose in the middle of high-stress day. Folks, seriously, I have a ways to go...

In the meantime, read my list. Go ahead. It’s the best I could do and well, reflects me at the moment:

1. Lansinoh nursing pads. These soft little circles of wonder have never let me down, never leaked, and never shown through my clothes. I go through them like crazy.

2. “O Organics” orange juice (Safeway’s line of organic products). Like fresh-squeezed OJ for us lazy people. Just OJ and nothing else. No water, no additives. Savor the yumminess. I’m addicted.

3. If you know me, you know I’m a dark chocolate freak. I didn’t stumble upon this realization until I was about 10 years old. During Christmas, my step-mom always placed a bowl of those miniature Hershey’s chocolates on the coffee table. I would pick through and eat the Krackle’s and plain chocolates and leave the strange looking ones marked “Dark”. One day, the only one left were the dark chocolate and, in a pinch, I tried it. I was hooked. I now don’t go a single day without my intake of dark chocolate. I was terribly thrilled when reports of the health benefits of dark chocolate began to emerge a few years ago. I felt like a pioneer. My absolute favorite is a Milky Way Midnight candy bar. Goes down like butta’ and satisfies every craving. Jason buys one for me for every birthday and V-day and anytime I’m feeling down. It was one of the very first things I craved before I found out I was a teensy bit pregnant. I’m always so shocked that dark chocolate lover’s haven’t ever tried Milky Way Midnight bars…they don’t taste at all like regular Milky Way’s.

4. Max Factor pancake makeup. I discovered this makeup a few years ago and it’s become one of the few products I am loyal to. Applied with a wet sponge, you gotta work fast with it. But, the finish is matte and flawless and lasts all day (and night).

5. CD’s: Wicked, the Broadway musical an Jennifer Berezean's "Returning" album. The music of Wicked is powerful and raw. The story is stunning and sad. I pump up the volume and belt out the songs on my way to work.

Jennifer Berezean’s “Returning” is an album that my midwife recommended while I was pregnant. I listened to it religiously every day to and from work while Kaia grew inside me. I knew I would have it playing during my labor, so I wanted Kaia to get used to the soothing, mystical, meditative chant. While driving, it would set a peaceful tone of hope and gratitude that lasted the entire day. Indeed, it was on “repeat” during my entire labor process. To this day, listening to the album puts me right back into those moments of pure love and creates a sacred space for me to focus and relax.

6. Whole Wheat flour. My excuse for baking chocolate chip cookies and calling them “healthy”!

7. Naartjie baby apparel. Made of natural fabrics, these are comfy, garment dyed clothes that are fashionable and affordable. Plus, the name is fun to say and the store isn’t full of just pink stuff for girls. And the outlet store is here in Anthem!

8. Bath and Body Works Pure Simplicity Restorative Body Cream in Cocoa. Smells yummy, applies smooth and silky, and lasts all day.

9. Books: my David Whyte and Billy Collins poetry collection. "The VBAC Experience" by Lynn Baptisti Richards. My friend Jeanette loaned me this autographed copy of Lynn’s book and I’ve been engrossed in its empowering, honest birth stories ever since (J – I’m almost done!)

10. My girly, crunchy, earthy, birthy, mama writing buddies. Really, I’m not just saying this because MB happened to include the same on her list. They’ve become my “hobby”. They inspire me to continue writing, sharing my experiences, my flaws, my insights. They have been with me along my journey, nodding, laying their hands upon my head with love, holding me in their hearts. They are talented beyond belief and really, really help me become a better, more educated person. They are fab.

11. My Two Lips black stillettos adorned with petite little flowers in blue, magenta, and green near the toe. They go with everything - jeans or a suit - and make me feel flirtatious and sexy any time I wear them. And they always get compliments. AND I paid under $20 for them at Ross. ‘Nuff said.

Posted by Leigh Steele at 10:37 PM 0 comments

Aunt Ag


My great Aunt Ag (Agnes) Hill, a spirited, BINGO-playin' aunt with one glass eye, passed away today at 91 years of age.

She had been in a nursing home for about two weeks, in my hometown of Evansville, Indiana. My Mom's best friend, Janet, went to visit her today for the first time. Janet had been reading her bible yesterday and a little paper card fell out. It was the card from my great-great Aunt Mattie's funeral. Aunt Mattie and Janet's mother were great friends. In fact, Janet's mother was by Mattie's side when she passed. When she saw this card, Janet reflected on this friendship. She decided to go visit Aunt Ag, who was residing in the same nursing home as Janet's mother.

Janet arrived at the nursing home, and after saying hello and patting her arm, found Aunt Ag to be unresponsive. What she did notice was the "feisty, happy" look on Aunt Ag's face. Upon taking her pulse, she discovered it was very faint. She called in the nurses and waited in the hallway. Ten minutes later, the staff returned and said she had passed away. Janet was at her side while she believes she was "in transition" from this world to the next. As a nurse, Janet explained that she has seen many faces of those in the same place...some are in agony, some are sad. Aunt Ag's face was happy.

My Aunt Ag loved to eat, but like many of us, she didn't like to readily admit it. When she visited, our family's little joke was mischievously offer her plate upon plate of different snacks and food. At first she would say "Oh, no, I'm not hungry"...but during conversation, one of us would casually slide a plate of food closer to Aunt Ag. Before you knew it - "caught a fish!" - Aunt Ag had devoured the food. A few minute later, another plate would be slid in her direction...and like clockwork, the food would disappear. Upon tasting a sweet pie, she would laugh and say “Ohhhh, this tastes so good! I haven’t eaten pie in 2 years!” She seemed to forget that she’d just eaten pie perhaps a few weeks earlier at our house. But, alas, she’d then say “Ohh, now I have to eat something salty”. From sweet to salty and back again. The silly food circus would continue and leave us smiling.

A few years ago, my Mom and sister took Aunt Ag sightseeing in St. Louis. That morning, they had taken a pit stop at Cracker Barrel and indulged in some down home biscuits and gravy. Afterwards, while attending Sunday mass at Cathedral Basilica of St. Louis, a noxious smell erupted from their “pew” (pun intended). Aunt Ag peered over at Mom and right in the middle of mass, cackled “Ohhhh, them biscuits and gravy!!” What followed was a resounding echo in one of St. Louis’ oldest and most respected basilicas. So, when visiting Aunt Ag, I would joke with her about “them biscuits and gravy” and she would giggle and relive the event.

My Aunt Ag lived on Delaware St. in a cozy apartment. She loved to play BINGO and eat at the Knotty Pine Café. She was frugal, close with her money, but had sweet, deep soul. She was recently seen using a broom as a cane. She’d call my Mom and ask her to go shopping for Diet Coke and groceries. I would always ask to tell me about her BINGO experiences. She would put her hand on my knee, lean in towards me and say “Do you know that the girls I play with just don’t really like me?” I would inquire as to why and she would say, in an almost whisper, “Well, ya know, when I win they just think I’m some ‘rich bitch’”. We would laugh. We would always laugh.

Aunt Ag loved a great gold, sparkly walkin’ shoe and matching purse. She would gladly flaunt her costume jewelry and nylon jogging suits. She’d often show her freshly permed and colored hair and would ask “how do you like my new makeup”. In fact, one time she let her normally red hair turn natural gray. She told us again and again how her friends thought her gray hair was just “so beautiful”. The world revolved around Aunt Ag. At least she thought so. I was happy to let her believe it.

She would always show off her newest pictures of her son, Donnie, and of her travels and cruises. In the photos, there was Aunt Ag…gold shoes and handbag, flowered cotton t-shirt, matching pants, pink lipstick, cheeks just a bit too rosy from blush, and a big ol’ smile on her face.

She fed a cat every day which she named Nuisance. One of our favorite items in her home was a bean-filled fabric frog which, when flipped over, revealed anatomically correct male parts. She thought it was hilarious and so did we. So one day, she gave it to us. That was a big deal.

This past summer, on our cross-country road trip, Jason and I stopped by Aunt Ag’s house for a visit (the photo above was taken during that visit). In our arms was our three month old baby Kaia. Aunt Ag was beside herself with happiness to see our baby girl. She couldn’t believe how beautiful she was. Later, my Mom shared with me that Aunt Ag couldn’t stop talking about Kaia… “Now, I’m not saying this just because she’s related to me, but that Kaia is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen.” I think meeting Kaia was the highlight of Aunt Ag’s year. I’m grateful I was able to share those bittersweet moments with Aunt Ag.

A few weeks ago, Aunt Ag told her son Donnie that she had a recent “premonition” in which she saw her Mother. It seems she must have known her time was approaching.

"In the world of the ancient Celts, people believed the world of the living and the world of the dead exist side by side. Only a thin veil separated them. One night in all the year, the veil is lifted. We can suddenly “see” that we are standing right at the edge, where the two worlds meet. And on that night, souls can cross over, go back and forth across the threshold."

I only wish I could have shared one more meal with Aunt Ag. I’m sure it would have been biscuits and gravy. And pie.

Posted by Leigh Steele at 6:48 PM 0 comments

For Me, It's You


Lovely, inspiring song I just heard on the Late, Late Show with Craig Ferguson (TIVO'd, of course, as this Mama isn't up at midnight unless it involves nursing my child!)

For Me, It's You
By Train

If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
If I ever find faith I'm gonna sit in every bit of its afterglow
If I ever find a way to bring love here today
You better bet your life that this is what I'll say
Give it if you've got it
Get it if you don't

Take my hand in the meantime
And let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about, laugh about, cry about
It's true
For me it's you

Give it away, give it away, give it away
If it's something that you got layin' round your house
Man let me tell ya if ain't a kiss
It's something you'll never miss
Give it to somebody that don't have a thing layin' round like a prayer or a
sweet sound
Give it if you've got it
Get it if you don't

Take my hand in the meantime
Let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something that they want to sing about, laugh about, cry about
It's true
For me it's you

Na na na na na na na na na
For me it's you

Give it to somebody that don't have a thing
Ain't got soft shoes to dance or a love song to sing - no
Get yourself on the right track
Let somebody ride your back for a while

If I ever find truth I'm gonna let you know
You better bet your life if this is what I'm gonna say just give it away
You can't take it where you're goin anyway

Take my hand in the meantime
And let's walk into the sunshine
Everybody got something they want to sing about, laugh about cry about it's true
For me it's you
Posted by Leigh Steele at 9:45 AM 0 comments

Realization of the Month: March

Diarrhea cramps are exceedingly more painful than labor contractions.

Before I had Kaia, I used to think (as I writhed on the bathroom floor in pain) "Ok, if I can get through this, surely I'll be able to get through the terrible pain of labor!". My Mom agreed and assured me that was the closest way to describe labor.

Lemme tell ya, when I have an upset gastrointestinal tract, I'd much, much rather be in full on labor at that point. At least I could breathe through those cramps and contractions. At least I could get a hold of what my body was going to be doing next. At least I knew something living and breathing would be arriving at the end.



Posted by Leigh Steele at 9:13 AM 0 comments

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Our Little Piece of Arizona Heaven


Note: I've learned how to add links within posts, so WATCH OUT. I've gone "linkin' mad!" Think of it as a photographic journey!

As of yesterday, Jason and I are official owners of 1.1 acres of Arizona dirt up in New River! Finally, some breathing room, elbow room, lounging room, baby raising room, exploring room...finally desert mountain views and magnificant sunsets. Finally, plenty of sky for dreamy, lazy fall days and brisk, starry nights. Finally, a place for an outdoor shower surrounded by bamboo or ocotillo. Finally, a place we can unbox many of our dreams that have been packaged and waiting on the shelves for so long. A place that Kaia can wander and discover nature. A special place where I can hopefully labor with and birth my next child. And finally, a canvas in which my eager and inventive architect husband can paint and create and build the house we've been longing for.
Yes, we scored all of this for the grand price of...well, let's just say the price of what about 12 - 15 acres in the good old Midwest would cost ya. When you break it down that way it seems absolutely insane that we even considered this undertaking. But, Californians and native Arizona folks will understand that, well, it's just the price you have to pay for your own space here. And really, it's just DIRT. Ok, some native brittlebush, scattered cholla, and a few grand and proud Ocotillo (my favorite desert plant). But, unlike a parcel of land most any other place, there are no trees or grass or lakes or ponds or streams. There is, however, a tiny little wash that we really, really hope runs during big rains or the Monsoons.
Jason is finalizing the house plans and is working to get them to bid very soon. As of late, I'm most anxious about landscaping, in which we've designated a large chunk of our budget to go towards. It will be all about xeriscape and native plants. When I moved here eight years ago, I swore I would NEVER build a house without at least a strip of grass. I needed that grass to sink my bare feet into, need that soft dirt beneath to dig my chewed up nails into, to feel like I was home. When we built our first tract home in 2000, we were adamant about not having desert landscaping. So, on our little plot of land grew ficus and oleander and lantana and grass.
With my renewed love affair with the desert, we are now quite adamant about staying true to the incredibly resilient and vastly different landscape and plants of the desert. My thoughts swirl with ideas for desert wildflowers and Mexican poppies bursting with color in the spring. I think about native deer grass swaying gently, dancing with the wind of our quite breezy lot. I want hummingbird-drawingi Chuparosa, graceful golden Columbine, bold Penstemon, and plenty of Creosote which smell divinly of earth, dirt, and leafy bark after a rain. Looking out the expanse of glass in our living room and bedrooms, I envision seeing Palo Verde, rugged Ironwood, and the medicinal Mesquite tree. Can you believe the lovely and delicate seeming Sacred Datura (what an awesome name) and Evening Primrose plants are native to the desert climate? Other must-haves are sumptuous and antioxidant-packed Pomegranate, fragrant Sage, and a tiny little herb garden with Rosemary and other herbs. While the aforementioned plants aren't desert natives (yah, so I'm straying a bit from my "only desert native" anthem), they grow wonderfully here and will add flavor and healing to our lil' paradise. And of course, there will be lots and lots of Ocotillo. It's all about the Ocotillo. They look like little dead sticks, but out of nowhere, or after a rain... bright flowers bloom from their tips. They are indeed alive. And they offer a wonderful sculptural feel to the landscape.
So, we are busy trying to plan a little weenie/s'mores roast on our land at some point soon. We can gather around the bonfire (don't worry, not on a no-burn day), lay on our backs on some Mexican blankets, and enjoy the great sacred space which has been reserved just for us.

OK, time for your assignment: Visit Arizona Highways Magazine's website. One look and you too will fall in love with the desert.
Posted by Leigh Steele at 3:58 PM 3 comments

Saturday, March 18, 2006

Haunted by Waters - A "Brooke" Mini-Tribute

Brooke signed my blog comment book. Even better, she read one of my blogs. Then, she said her heart was with me. Maybe that's why I've slept so deeply and peacefully the past few nights - because I've had her heart. Her broken/loving/bleeding/healing heart. And she even had enough room left over to even give some of it to me.
Brooke is a blogging goddess. Like me, she was a homebirth transport - her son born by traumatic c-section. You can read all about her experiences, and taste the insight and texture of her words on her blog: http://urbanearthmama.typepad.com/

I read blogs like Brooke's and I still cannot.fathom.why.the.hell it's moviestars that are celebrated and idolized and paid the mad-crazy bucks and not impossibly talented, insightful, tormented, brutally honest women like Brooke. Yes, I'm saying she should be celebrated and idolized and paid the mad-crazy bucks for just being HER, for finding light in all the darkness. Or, nay, freakin' creating the light if she had to. That's pure magic, folks. But I will rest easy because I know the dirty little secret of our culture: it is women like Brooke, and Jeanette, and Marybeth, and Marinah who really hold all the empowerment in this world. The best part? They release it, in little capsules, and it rises like smoke from the ashes of our burning hearts...and finds it's way to people like me.

From Dictionary.Com:
Brook.
Noun: a natural stream of water smaller than a river (and often a tributary of a river)
Verb : put up with something or somebody unpleasant.

From Me:
Brooke.
A natural stream of wisdom, smaller than the river of energy that surrounds us (and often a tributary to that river of energy) ...but larger than life. Meandering, life-giving, quenching, peaceful, babbling (in a good way!), awakening, reflective.
Brooke.
Put up with something or somebody unpleasant. Cried. Survived. Thrived. Lives. Loves. Laughs. Oh, always laughs.

Brooke: "I am haunted by waters..." Your namesake is the connection to my favorite words, the words which are housed on my blog home page even:

"Eventually, all things merge into one, and a river runs through it. The river was cut by the world's great flood and runs over rocks from the basement of time. On some of the rocks are timeless raindrops. Under the rocks are the words, and some of the words are theirs. I am haunted by waters". - Norm MacLean
Posted by Leigh Steele at 8:48 PM 10 comments

Saturday, March 11, 2006

Our 8 Month Old Daughter...


- Said "DaDa" for the first time last Thursday. She has said it "on cue" when seeing or hearing Jason a handful of times.
- Has her very first ear infection
- Tries terribly hard NOT to crawl. Wants to roll her way around. Getting better at her own version of crawling.
- Can fanagle her way from a laying down position to sitting up
- Eats Cheerios, mashed up bananas, apple and carrot wagon wheels
- Chews on teething biscuits
- Discovered (like, for reals) the majesty of her tongue this week. Sticks it out while in the carseat.
- Still doesn't sleep through the night
- Can clap her hands
- Looks around for JP when you say "Where's your puppy?"
- Gets the concept of Peek-a-boo
- Is really into loud squealing
- Begs for sips out of your water glass
- Has two teeth on bottom
- Bites when nursing (I have the battle wound to prove it)
- Plays around when nursing
- Recognizes the "Elmo's World" song
- Pulls on your nose and lips (ouch!) and explores inside your mouth with her hands
- Loves to talk into her "pop-bead" toys to hear the echo
- Looks more and more like her Daddy each day
- Had earwax removed at the Dr's office last week (so sad! And boy, she protested). Dr. says she has narrow ear canals.
- Can say "more" in sign language when I'm feeding her in her high chair (unless I'm confusing it for excited clapping)
- Crawls up onto your lap like a monkey if you are sitting on the floor playing with her
- Is a champion napper (goes down easy, sleeps for hours. Hmmm, just like her folks!)
- Doesn't like her nose to be cleaned
- Still doesn't "bounce" up and down on her knees like some babies
- Babbles in her crib in the mornings
- Goes nuts for fruit
- Sometimes gags on green veggies
- Knows the sound of the ringing phone
- Does the "stiff as a board" move when she doesn't want to be put down or sit down
- Always pees if you keep her diaper off for more than 20 seconds
- Is growing too fast
- Still melts my heart when I see her, awake and hungry, at 4 in the morning
Posted by Leigh Steele at 11:00 PM 2 comments

Saturday, March 04, 2006

Poem: Chaos

Of course.

It’s not a coincidence that

you share your name

with the Greek earth goddess Gaia

who was born from Chaos

Of course.

Chaos being the great void of emptiness

within the universe

Chaos being the great void you filled

within my belly

Of course.

Chaos being the circumstances

in which you arrived

Chaos being the circumstances

Of life and love

Of course.


Posted by Leigh Steele at 10:20 PM 0 comments
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